


Gonna Have To Catch Me

by batterwitch_dumb_basses



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, Dirk and Kankri are good friends, Humanstuck, Kankri is a disney nerd, March Eridan at some point, Multi, SO MUCH DAMN DAMN DRAMA, Seriously so much drama I cannot even handle this, University AU, don't drink sollux' milk, epileptic Kankri, eridan and nepeta are LARP nerds, eridan needs therapy, fake relationships to teach Karkat to keep his nose out of Kankri's business
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-04-23 19:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4889779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batterwitch_dumb_basses/pseuds/batterwitch_dumb_basses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux Captor is going to university. He's hoping for a quiet time. But with Jake English, Dave Strider, and Eridan Ampora as his 'Roommates', sharing a living room and kitchen, he can forget any such hope. Eridan in particular seems determined to destroy that hope, with his crazy family and the chip on his shoulders. Add to this mix Dave's crazy siblings, including Rose, who befriends Eridan, the strange people in the university and all their batshit families, the Vantas brothers fighting almost constantly over Kankri's incident last term, and Eridan's secret and subsequent misbehaviour, and Sollux could be in for one hell of a ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sollux ===> Move into Halls and meet roommates.

You groaned as you sloped into the shared living room, suitcases and boxes finally dropped off inside the tiny room you would be spending the next three years sleeping in. Both of your dads had hugged you, said how much they were going to miss you, and then once your room was set up had driven off back towards the Captor home, which would now not really be yours. College was the beginning of adult life for you.  
  
And while glad you did not have to share a room with anyone, you were not looking forward to essentially being flatmates with these people.   
  
As you looked around the living room you spotted a girl with a pale blonde twenties’ bob being hugged along with a boy with mirrored shades and the same pale blonde hair by a very tearful woman with a long pink scarf that literally reached the ground and hair a whiter shade of blonde.  
  
“My li’l kids! All grown up!” the woman wailed, while a man with actual anime shades like something out of Gurren Lagann stood behind her, his hair a sandier blonde. For someone with no expression he seemed to exude an air of awkwardness at her antics, and the girl sighed the sigh of the deeply bored. And you thought your relatives were nuts.  
  
“Mother, we haven’t even reached my accommodation yet. You don’t need to hug me quite so tightly.” She looked at the boy and smirked slightly. “And Dave wants to appear cool in front of his new flatmate, you do understand.”  
  
The woman let go, only to seize upon Dave – who you guessed was one of your new flatmates from what the girl said – and covered his cheeks in kisses of black lipstick, the man behind her sniggering as Dave squirmed away from the woman and the girl stepped out of her reach.   
Looking over her, you saw she was wearing a purple hoodie with silver tentacles spiralling up, and she, like her mother, was wearing black lipstick. Her skirt was most probably velvet, and you would have put money on her being a literature student. Or maybe theatre. You’d wait and see.  
  
Dave managed to get free, wiping the lipstick form his cheeks with a snort. “Great way to give me my true mark of the cool kids, Roxanne. Seriously.” He wiped his hands on his jeans.  
  
The woman pouted, and turned to stare at you. “Hey, you. Come here,” she commanded, wavering a hand about.  
  
“No fear, lady. I’m not getting lipthticked.” You did step forward slightly, and the woman narrowed her eyes, which were, you realised with a jolt, pink, while the girl grinned again. It was vaguely disturbing to see that expression on her face, but the woman – Roxanne – stuck a finger under your nose, making you jump.  
  
“You better not harm my baby, ya snot. Okay?” She whirled around, the girl following her demurely and the man following slowly behind them, Dave sighing as soon as the door closed behind them.  
  
“My family is completely batshit,” he mumbled, before slumping on the sofa. “Like, truly honestly batshit. And all my siblings are here, and if that is not punishment, I do not know what the fuck is.”  
  
You snickered. “And poor me, miles from my family. Does your mom alwayth act like that?” Dave looked like a balloon with no air in it. If he was always this quiet, he might be fun to get along with, unlike some loud people like the sort you had known in high school.  
  
“Yes. Always. Sometimes worse. And if I know Bro and ‘Zanne, they’ll send Dirk and Roxy around to check on me.” He looked truly miserable at his own statement.  
  
“Roxy?” you asked slowly, confused. Hadn’t the woman been Roxanne? You shuffled to sit on the sofa next to Dave, who nodded.  
  
“Yeah, my big sister. I mean, ‘Zanne’s my mom, but Roxy is my bigger sister. You’ll know when you see her.” Dave rubbed at the bridge of his nose, and looked up as the door banged open, admitting a boy in a violet top that had an actual V-neck, of all things, and a long blue striped scarf, and a purple streak in his actual hair, of all things, who started rolling his suitcases down the hall to the room right next to yours, an older boy who looked like an extra from Grease whining as he followed behind with other stuff, and a girl with the longest plaits that you had ever seen behind him. All of them were carrying things, and the girl was sighing deeply like she really, really did not want to be there.  
  
“Avw, come on, Eri, just a coffee or somethin’ before we go—“  
  
“No!” the boy shouted back angrily at Mr Travolta Wannabe, as you had instantly dubbed him, while Dave turned his head to the commotion with a big grin. Free entertainment, you guessed.  
  
“Cronus, you quit bugging him, or so help me god I’m tellin’ Betty you’re being an ass.” The girl glared as she carried things into the room and came out again. Cronus did not follow, and neither did the boy with the purple streak. A man banged the door open, and the girl turned quickly with an angelic expression on her face, a far cry from the glare her face had worn a few short minutes ago.  
  
“Cro’s bugging the shrimp again!” she told the man, who was damn impressive to look at. He had a proper piratical shirt, and two scars across his face like he’d been attacked by a damn sabre-toothed tiger. From the look of him, you would not have personally ruled it out. Byronic as a motherfucker all up in here.  
  
“Cro, leavwe him alone, or I gut you like a fish. Okay?” He paused, hearing no response, and seemed to growl in his throat as he stormed into the room, a crash seeming like he had dropped the boxes he was holding. He came out of the room, dragging Cronus out by his collar, the latter kicking and whining as Dave looked at you, one corner of his mouth tilting up as the girl went into the room and dragged ‘Eri’ out in much the same way, the latter not protesting or even seeming to care that much as the girl dragged him to stand in front of Dave and you.  
  
“Okay, suckers, listen up. This is my baby brother, his name’s Eridan, he’s goin’ to be a brat about things, but whale Crofish is outta the way, introductions are made. I’m Meenah. This is my number.” She gave you each a slip of paper. “We live pretty nearby. He starts kicking off in a way you two ain’t able to handle, you ring me right there and then, I come deal with his sulky ass, everyone is happy clappy.” She smacked the back of Eridan’s head sharply, as you tried to figure out whether she had said ‘whale’ or ‘while’. You suspected she might have said ‘whale’.  
  
“Babyface, get off your damn phone and say hi to the nice people.” She stuck a finger in her mouth and held it close to his ear and he yelped, moving away. His eyes were also purple, like the girl Dave had been with, but more a deep purple, like that odd shade of blue. Violet, that was it.  
  
“Hey,” he mumbled, and Dave smiled fully, as you tried very hard not to snicker. Meenah seemed like the best big sister for this guy to have in the whole world. Not to mention that his family seemed slightly more batshit than Dave’s. Dave seemed to agree with that notion, given how wide his grin was.  
  
“Hey, name’s Dave Strider, nice to meet you. It’s alright, Miss…?”  
  
“Peixes. This kid’s name is Ampora, though, don’t forget it. He’ll kick up a fuckin’ fuss if you do.” She blew a bubble of pale pink gum, and Dave grinned wider.  
  
“Miss Peixes, we will take care of your baby brother. We will make sure he behaves, so if you like, he can sit down and wait for the other guy here to turn up. It’s pretty simple here, and if you provide us with the free entertainment again you are damn well welcome back any time you please.” He shrugs, and it was easy to guess how hard he was trying not to laugh.  
  
Meenah cackled with laughter as Eridan turned slowly bright red, sitting down next to you and going back to his phone.  
  
“Boy, you are a little shit! I know another Strider, you know, from all the times he comes around where I work. I’ll bet my car you’re related to Dirk. Man, though, don’t extend that invitation to Cronus.” She made a face. Clearly she didn’t like the other boy. You weren’t sure you did either, as Cronus seemed like the biggest pain in the backside to have as a sibling, what with all the whining.  
  
“Really, don’t,” Eridan grumbles from next to you. He seemed like a pretty quiet kid, which suited you just fine. If the guy was quiet, it would suit all of you, but especially you personally, given that his room was next to yours. The girl tugged on one of the many piercings in her ear, and hugged Eridan quickly.  
  
“Call me if you need me, shrimp, okay?” She was off in a whirl of dark plaits, heading the direction of the loud whining in the corridor. Dave turned to Eridan, sticking out his hand.  
  
“Kudos for having a family that is way crazier than mine, dude. I can’t even begin with yours.”  
  
Eridan pulled his scarf up to his nose, but shook the proffered hand grudgingly before going back to his phone, ignoring you both. So maybe, a hopeful voice in your head piped up, he might keep himself to himself and not bother you for the whole year.  
  
The last boy to join you all, about an hour or two later, introduced himself as Jake, once he had brought in all his things. You’d started watching some animated movie on the TV, and as soon as Jake introduced himself, Eridan flounced off to his room and closed the door, obviously not willing to be social. Dave whistled, and you stared at the door. Okay, so maybe he was just not sociable at all. Jake sat gingerly down where Eridan had been, next to you. What was it with sitting next to you today?  
  
“Rose would have a field day with that. Did you notice that only his big sis said her fond farewells to him?” Dave nudged you with a grin. “He’s just all up himself because he can’t deal with people. And man, he’s going to be fun.”  
  
You looked up, thinking how much better you had felt when your dads had hugged you very tight like they had. He felt kind of sorry for the poor kid. And it was obvious that he and Dave had been laughing at Eridan’s family. Maybe he was just upset. Either way, you were pretty sure that your guilt was going to lead to you giving Eridan cookies.  
  
Jake blinked at them. “Our delightfully standoffish roommate has a big sister?” he asked, in a sort of old upper class English accent, and Dave and Sollux stared at him, before Dave snickered.  
  
“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. Called Meenah…” Dave looked down as his phone bleeped, and sighed. “Do any of you want to come with me to the little café? My folks are having tea with me and Rose.”  
  
Jake shook his head. “I want to get all my posters up just right, now my grandmother can’t see them. She thinks Avatar is an inappropriate movie.” He grinned, standing up. “Might I know your names, gentlemen?”  
  
“I’m Dave Strider.” Dave sighed, standing up as well. “I’ll go ask our little mouse over there if he wants to come and sit with us.”  
  
Jake turned to you with a bright expression and you sighed. “Tholluckth Captor. With an eckth and an eth.” You’d learned early on that your name was one of the cruellest for somebody with a lisp.  
  
“Nice to meet you, Mr Captor, Mr Strider!” Jake looked over to the closed door Dave was currently knocking at. “And he is?”  
  
“Eridan Ampora, according to his big thithter. Theemth not to talk much.” You cleared your throat. “DV, I need to unpack, otherwithe I would help you out with your family get together.”  
  
“Yeah…Ampora doesn’t want to come along. I have to face Rose and ‘Zanne on my own. Great.” Dave slumped again. “Rose will be on campus as well. I will have no luck this year.”  
  
“Rothe?” you asked, and Dave straightened up, grinning.  
  
“The girl from before. My dearest, delightful twin sister. I’ll bring her back with me, okay? Then you can meet her properly when we are not being strangled by my lovely mother.” Dave sloped out of the door, and you were pretty much alone.  
  
Ah, well, as good a time as any to unpack. You just hoped none of your computers were harmed. As you passed Eridan’s door, you was pretty sure you could hear him crying. You weren’t sure if it was homesickness or something else. Maybe his home wasn’t great. But the quiet sniffles pulled at your heartstrings and you wished you had the courage to talk to him.

Dave, true to his word, brought Rose back after an hour or so, during which all of you had pretty much unpacked. She was still wearing the tentacle hoodie, and she smiled widely at you in that same unnerving way.  
  
Eridan came out of his room, saw her, and nearly darted back in. He would have, actually, had Jake not caught him and sat him down next to Rose on the battered sofa. Rose turned her smile on Eridan, who almost shrank away from it, before she patted his shoulder and told him that she wasn’t going to bite.  
  
Dave sat down next to the two of them, as Eridan leant away from Rose in the way of one clearly uncomfortable, and prodded his sister’s shoulder. “Tell the nice people what you’re taking.”  
  
“Ah, well, with so many meanings to the word, I could tell them a great many things. I will nicely assume you mean my Literature course, which of course, I wanted with a side of psychology like a particularly nice salad.” She smoothed her skirt down with a little tilt of the head, and you offered her a biscuit from the plate you had set up with some of your biscuits. She took an Oreo from it, munching for a minute before carrying on, Eridan refusing a cookie by glaring at you and turning away from you with a dramatic sniff, despite the fact that he had clearly been crying.  
  
Okay, yeah, Meenah was right. He could be a brat. Dammit. At least he was quiet.  
  
“Given that this university is considered the best for most degrees, I decided that it’s a big campus upon which I can avoid my less literature minded siblings like the plague. I love them, of course, but with their aptness for certain computer skills, I see no way to prevent me being the part of a hacking joke again.”  
  
You held up your hand half-heartedly. “Actually, I’m pretty good with all that thtuff mythelf, if you have any thort of trouble. Like, really good.” You were described by your IT teachers as a prodigy, mostly, although your favourite teacher, Mr Simonik, had described you as ‘equal parts genius and asshole’.  
  
Rose looked up at you, and you stared at her eyes for a minute. They couldn’t be truly purple eyes, could they? She smiled lightly.  
  
“If Roxy tries anything, I shall consider requesting your help. I would, of course, require your name first.” She smoothed her skirt, head tilting in expectance.  
  
“This is Sollux Captor, Rose.” Dave peered at Eridan, who was fiddling with his phone again, earnestly looking and reading something. You rolled your eyes behind your glasses and Rose smiled softly.  
  
“Mr Captor. A gallant offer, I’m sure. Dave, could you introduce me to your other friends?”  
  
“Rose Lalonde, Eridan Ampora and Jake English.” Dave sat on the arm on the sofa. “Eridan’s the one with the dye job, Jake’s the one with a big smile.” Jake blushed, and Eridan huffed, eyes going wide when Rose took hold of his scarf.  
  
“Hm. Nice moss stitch. I don’t think you made this, though.” She looked up at him and he shook his head.  
  
“My younger sister Feferi.” He looked away as she examined it, all of you watching them like this was some Discovery Channel.  
  
“Oh, she sounds interesting. Is she your only sibling? I have three, including the one in the mirrored shades there.” Rose continued not to look at him, and he sniffed.  
  
“No, I have a brother and two sisters. Meenah’s my big sis w-who…” He claps his hand over his mouth and dashes out, slamming the door to his room. The three boys jumped, and Dave turned to Rose.  
  
“Verdict?”  
  
“He’ll be alright if he doesn’t go too overboard. You might even find he’s a good friend of yours in particular, Dave.” She hummed. “He’s from a well off family. He doesn’t like his brother, he misses his sisters, and he’s very insecure about that interesting little warble in his voice.” She stood up, knocking on Eridan’s door while you and Jake stared at her. Dave leant over to you, smirking slightly. It was the smirk of the knowing.  
  
“Told you. Field day.” He put a finger to his lips, and all three boys listened.  
  
“Eridan?” Rose called. “I should be heading back to my flat. Would you like to accompany me? I would very much like to talk to you, if that is alright.” She had a coaxing tone to her voice that was so pleasant that you nearly got up to stand with her. Eridan opened the door to his room with a little sniffle, and Rose marched inside, shutting the door. You all waited with bated breath, hearing muffled talking, and Rose marched out again after about ten minutes, arm linked with Eridan’s, and a small suitcase with her.  
  
“Eridan does literature too. We’re off to have a book evening.” She pulled the suitcase, which is as purple as Eridan’s top, along with ease, Eridan going along with her as meek as a lamb. You stared after them as Rose and Eridan disappeared through the door, Dave shrugging and standing up.  
  
“Well, that sorts that. Coffee, anyone?”  
  
You and Jake looked at each other again, Jake’s eyes gone wide behind his square frames.  
  
Jake spoke first. “Golly, she’s rather…”  
  
“Creepy. I thought she might kidnap one of you, and maybe she and Eridan will get along in their papery way. She’s like a little blonde vulture, sometimes. And that was quick.” Dave leaned against the counter. “Don’t misunderstand. I don’t like too much fuss, and maybe this will be better for us all. My family’s batshit, but we deal with it. If this can be counted as a family, I don’t want big screaming rows here. Letting Rose make friends with one of you so you have someone to storm off to – as we know Princess Pants does – keeps me in the loop of it all. See, Dirk shared last year and they had drama because somebody thought it would be funny to mess with this one dude who basically lectured everyone. They slipped him something, like a roofie or whatever the fuck, because they thought he would shut up. Turns out he was on medication for severe epilepsy, and they only just managed to get him to the hospital in time. It’s better to sort this shit out pretty quickly. First day and everything. This dude didn’t make any friends, didn’t have anyone to go to, and he’s sharing with Dirk again this year. Talkative, but he’s nicer once he gets to know anyone.” Dave grins slowly. “I don’t expect to have to get the RA involved, but if Eridan has a place to disappear to, it’s good. Nobody gets along a hundred percent of the time.”  
  
“Dear God, you’re evil.” You grinned right back. You knew a self-serving plot when you saw one. "And it giveth RL thomebody other than you to pethter.”  
  
“You really are smart, aren’t you, Captor?” Dave sat down. “Now, gentlemen, I’m afraid tomorrow socialising is going to be all up in our grill. I suggest if anyone wants to help me set up Mario, we relax and play Twenty Questions. Or a question game.”  
  
“Why would we do that?” Jake asked nervously, shifting. The fact that Dave had purposefully let Rose take Eridan away or even thought this out seemed to make him rather uncomfortable. Dave clapped him on the shoulder.  
  
“Because then we know this shit for tomorrow. People ask personal questions, and we have to do all this getting to know you crap anyway.” Dave grinned. “So, who’s your movie crush, English?”  
  
Jake looked away and blushed deeply. “Oh, gosh. I think…I think Neytiri.” He blushed further. “She’s quite the girl, you see.”  
  
You muffled laughter, and Jake turned to you. “Mr Captor, why do you wear those glasses?” His glance was almost challenging, and you wished for a moment you hadn’t laughed.  
  
“I have heterochromia. One blue, one brown. Dave, why do you wear your shades inside?” You turned to the boy, who took his glasses off, eyes closed for a moment before opening his eyes, showing red eyes to you and Jake, Jake outright staring while you simply looked. Your dads didn’t bring you up to stare. Dave coughed slightly.  
  
“Ta-da. Albinism from Bro and ‘Zanne. We’re all a little special in the family.” That certainly explained Rose and ‘Zanne’s eyes. Dave wiggled his eyebrows at Jake with a grin. “English, my man, does blue really do it for you?”  
  
Jake sniggered. “That was hardly eloquent. No, I do not have any sexual attraction to that colour. My apologies, Mr Captor.”  
  
“I’m wounded, Englithh. Dave, why do you call your dad Bro?” You turned and Dave shrugged.  
  
“Bro raised me after he and ‘Zanne split up. I was small, but he taught me to call him Bro. His real name is Roderick. My big brother was raised by my uncle Dane, and my aunt Ronnie raised Roxy. Home life was strange. Shit was amazing, and Ronnie and Dane made sure we knew what went on. It was only when we were about five that we realised that it wasn’t exactly normal.” Dave smiled, and you felt suddenly relaxed, discussing these things with strangers.


	2. Eridan ===> Hate Your Brother, Miss Your Sisters, And Make New Friends

You are so totally done with your brother.

He’s been pestering you the entire ride to Skaia University. He hugs you, ruffles your hair, pretends to cry and he squeeze your middle, and because Meenah is sat in the front of the car with your dad, and the fuckers are both pretending they can’t see or hear what’s happening in the back seat, there’s no one who can make him knock it off.

All your stuff is in the back, but you won’t let anyone touch your personal suitcase. Especially not Cronus, the nosy bastard. He’s currently nosing your neck like you’re his fucking girlfriend, and you will punch him. You’re suddenly sure of it. He’s always been this touchy feely. You really wish you could get him a partner so he wasn’t this clingy.

You also wish Feferi was here, but your mom, who always looks like she’s confused at how you turned out – you’re not strong, but soft, you like different things like history over business – insisted that Feferi had important things to do and couldn’t go with you all to say goodbye. An early swim meet, apparently.

You guess your parents somehow love each other, but you’re under no illusions about how your mother feels about you. She might care somewhat for you, but Cronus is going to inherit the shipping company. You were a surprise, and not a welcome one. You’ve not been hugged by her for years.

Meenah is your second favourite sibling after Feferi, who is everyone’s favourite, because she’s simply the sweetest kid, all smiles and sweet words, but Meenah pays attention to you. She calls you ‘babyface’, and taught you about different things, held your hand when you cried. She taught you about how to protect, and you’ve used her lessons in how to care for your younger siblings to take care of Feferi when you can.

It’s kind of hard to remember that she’s your favourite when she’s left you to the mercies of Cronus. You wish you could punch him, but he’s bigger and more muscled, whereas you are lean and not exactly able to match him in a fight. You two have had fist fights before. You know what you’re talking about.

You’re worried about your flatmates. Roommates. Whatever the correct word would be. As you grab your stuff when you finally reach Skaia, Cronus starts nagging you to at least have a coffee, and you snap that you don’t want to, hurrying forward with your stuff, acutely aware that he is following you like a kicked puppy. People are actually staring as your stupid brother bugs you all the way to the Halls.

And when he continues it in front of your roommates, you could just curl up and die. He follows you into the room, hugging you as soon as you both put down what you’re holding, and whining about how he will miss you, pinching your cheeks and cooing in your ear as you try to scrabble away. When your dad follows you into the room (another reason why Meenah is your second favourite sibling) he puts your boxes down carelessly, practically ripping Cronus off of you without even glancing your way and dragging him away out of the door. You don’t even really want to know what your roommates will think of you by now. They’re probably laughing, a silky voice inside your head tells you comfortingly, and you’re about to sit down when Meenah grabs you by the collar, dragging you out towards the two boys who were on the sofa when you walked in. One had 3-D glasses and is snickering slightly, and the other has shades and is trying not to laugh. You fuckin’ knew it. You check your phone for the recent tutorial one of your favourite bloggers did, reading through it as Meenah makes you stand in front of the boys, and only when she threatens you with the Spit Finger do you mumble a hello, sitting next to the boy with the 3-D shades, letting Meenah talk before she heads off. You’ve long since gotten used to the fact that your family never ever say goodbyes like some sappy people might, and you have learnt to at least appear not to care. Besides, if you ever really miss Meenah or Feferi, you can Skype them.

Human contact is something that your family have their different variations on. Your mom adores engines and computers and feeling the power of being the CEO of the shipping company, known as Fish In The Sea. Your family is quite rich in money, but your mother has only ever been cuddly with Feferi, her precious baby girl. You remember once Meenah losing it over that and throwing a huge tantrum, saying that she was going to run away and live on the moon, away from everyone. You’d been quite small at the time, and had burst into the loud noisy sobs you’ve thankfully since grown out of, begging Meenah not to go. It was something of a happy memory, because she took you upstairs and read Harry Potter to you.

Meenah’s only a tad cuddlier than your mother, but she appears to like you a lot. She hugs you, calls you her shrimp. Of course, she does like Feferi more, of course, a lot of people do, but Meenah is otherwise a punk with a big attitude. Spiky.

Your father can be rather warm at times, but he’s rarely been warm towards you. The stress, you guess, of having to manage all the shipping that goes on through actual ships, rather than land. That’s his side of the business. When you were young, after Feferi had been born, you remember your mom joking softly that Dad—Father, you mean – was her secretary. The stoic man named Dualscar by the men he worked with was like a rock.

Cronus didn’t treat the majority of people as the people they were. He viewed you like a stuffed animal, you were sure, to cuddle absently in a way that actually annoyed the ever living shit out of you. Most people, when they snapped, had to have a psycho analysis. All anyone had to know if you ever snapped and actually managed to beat your brother up was that Cronus Ampora was your brother. He would hug, he would flirt, and he was just annoying as all hell to have to put up with. He was better before he went to high school, and you had thought he was the coolest person in the world. He’d taught you guitar, but then when he got into Grease, his personality had done a complete turnabout. You’d push him away if you could.

And Feferi was kind to all. You were pretty sure when you were younger that your little sister had just hopped out of the world of fairy tales, a Snow White of the sea. She would cry when you found dead cuttlefish on the beach, and had a big tank of fish which she insisted she could tell apart. She adored all of you, and while she and Meenah occasionally had fights, she as well as Meenah knew everything about you and accepted it, hugged you tight and loved you.

How your father and mother with their cold exteriors had managed to produce such a sweet little angel, you’d never really been able to work out. Indeed, while Cronus was in his room being all stupid with his guitar (How many times a day can Wonderwall be played before you’re allowed to smash the player’s head in with their own instrument?), you had gone up to Meenah’s room and asked her, to which her reply was that she thought it was some kind of fuckin’ miracle.

But anyway. Back to your current misery. Dave, the one with the blonde hair and shades who shook your hand because your family is, as he put it oh-so-not-charmingly, ‘crazier than his’, turned on the TV, flicking through before grinning.

“Your choice is Sailor Moon or Ponyo. We are officially tiny teenage girls.”

The one with the 3-D glasses rolled his eyes. “Obviously, Ponyo. I’m not watching that thtupid magical girl crap, DV.”

You kept checking your Tumblr, reblogging a thing or two here and there. Now you really couldn’t say anything. You loved both Sailor Moon and Ponyo, and they might laugh at you if you said that. Ponyo especially didn’t know how lucky she was. Loved for who she was. It made you cry every time you watched it, because it was just so _nice._

You snuck glances at it, the other two as zoned out as you were. It was just finishing, and you were trying to find a way not to cry when the door banged open, and a boy with very short shorts walked in, grinning so widely is was clear how happy he was, how he would probably thinking you were all friends. You stood up, vanishing into your room, and banging the door shut.

You knew it! You wouldn’t be able to stand a single one of these idiots! They clearly didn’t want to talk to you, and worse, they were all guys. Not one of them would be able to relate with you, you just knew it, and as you looked around your pretty much bare room you felt like crying again. It wasn’t home.

Dave knocked on the door, and asked if you wanted to go with him to have tea with his family. Probably pitying you because your family didn’t say goodbye, you think sourly, and tell him that you’re good, kicking the bed post as you hear him walk away. You’re trying not to care, but it’s wearing you out again, quicker than it usually does. What do you care? You’re not an heir, you’re a spare. They don’t need to say goodbye to you.

You tried to get everything unpacked, but you hit the photos you had packed to take with you about halfway through this task. A photo of you and your siblings at the beach, Meenah holding your hand and Feferi’s, and Cronus holding your hand as well. You wish you had gotten to say goodbye, that…You hadn’t turned down the coffee. It would have been nice, you guess, and you begin to cry. It might be fun and new and exciting for some people, but it isn’t what you’re used to, and you find yourself wishing you could ring Meenah.

But you don’t want to trouble her, not so soon after she dropped you off. You try to rub your tears away, and get on with unpacking everything, putting everything away in its place and beginning to relax as you stand on your little step stool that you insisted on bringing with you, sticking the stars on the ceiling of your room. You love glow in the dark stars; they’ve helped you sleep ever since you were small. Your father used to tell you stories about the stars, and your room at home has them all over the ceiling and walls. It’s not an accurate one, given that you used to spend your pocket money on these things and just stick them everywhere.

It’s not like home, here. You think it might to take you a while to settle in here. Especially with those three as your roommates. You snuffle again. This year is going to be hell. You already know that they pity you for your family!

After everything is unpacked, you venture out to make yourself a cup of tea, phone in hand like a weapon.

And then you spot a girl. Her eyeliner is done so perfectly you have no difficulty guessing that she finds it easy to do, and not a hair is out of place. She’s a natural blonde, you think, panicked, and she has the goth chic look down to pat. You back towards your room, mind screaming that you will just make yourself a cup of tea inside your room somehow, maybe with a lighter that’s for the cigarettes you’d given up but brought with you just in case, but English corners you, taking hold of your arm like you’re a Regency maiden and steering you towards the sofa where the Queen of Style sits. Something of a battered throne, you think, but you’re trying very hard not to panic, one hand clutching at your scarf. She turns to you with a beautiful smile, not one dot of lipstick on her teeth, and the envy and fear mix together in such a horrible way you might just be sick. She giggles slightly, but not like Feferi would giggle. It’s an amused series of humming sounds, and it’s almost soothing. She winks at you.

“I won’t bite, Mr Ampora. I’ve heard a little about you. Not nearly enough, though, I’m afraid.”

Oh God. You lean back in horror. Dave has told this amazing woman with her perfect eyeliner about your family. Yes, you decide that your earlier decision to curl up and die would be a good one. Actually, tradition might be a good thing. You could go for a good old fashioned being swallowed by the earth itself right now. Almost as much as you could go for a frappucino.

Rose, as Dave gives her name as being, starts to talk in that same amused tone, and you sneak your phone up to look over an eyeliner tutorial. If you could get yours as good as hers, you might actually feel better about the hell that has been thrust upon you. Not that you were brave enough to wear much make up in front of your new roommates and far-from-bosom buddies.

A plate of biscuits is shoved under your nose, and your resolve nearly breaks. Oreos. Oreos are your one weakness. You force yourself to turn away from the one with the 3-D glasses, who is holding a plate mostly consisting of the dark tempters. If you take one, you’ll take more, and then they might think you were greedy. Besides, you remember the one year of comfort eating when you started high school, and you’ve resolved to not eat too many sweet things since. You couldn’t face it, not again.

Rose nibbles elegantly, not smudging her lipstick once – that lucky bitch, you want to ask what her secret is with that – and continues, which is when Mr 3-D is introduced by Dave as Sollux Captor, and introduces you like he hasn’t told Rose about you. You are about to call him out on it, about to call his bullshit because you want an excuse to fight, to be rather honest, so you have a reason to feel as uncomfortable around everyone as you do, when Rose takes a hold of your scarf and fuck, you’re pretty sure she saw your phone. You lock it, trying not to panic even more, telling yourself to get a grip. However, this is pretty hard when somebody like Rose Lalonde is looking at you in that knowing way.

“Hm. Nice moss stitch. I don’t think you made this, though.”

You didn’t. It was a present. “My younger sister, Feferi,” you manage. She’d fiddled about to make the scarf, and it was warm in the winter. It had been your favourite present that Christmas, when neither your mother nor your father could afford time off. You look away, thinking on the memory. It had been cold in the big house you spent the winter holidays in, and Cronus and Meenah had both thrown their own brand of temper tantrum. You’d felt more alone than usual, and then Feferi had come into your room on Christmas morning holding the scarf with a big grin, and it was like a warm fire in your chest as you hugged her close.

“Oh, she sounds interesting. Is she your only sibling? I have three, including the one in the mirrored shades there.”

You sniff, annoyed with Dave still, and answer without thinking. “No, I have a brother and two sisters. Meenah’s my big sis w-who…”

Your hand flies to your mouth. Oh, no. No. No, you’d been so careful not to pick a single word containing anything that your stupid impediment that not one speech therapist had been able to iron out when you’d begged your father to help you get rid of it. You were already running to your room before anyone could stop you, door slamming behind you as you shook. It would be just like high school. They would be laughing.

A lisp? That was fine, understandable. Stuttering your ‘w’ and ‘v’s’? Stupid. One of the speech therapists had said it was something to do with your upbringing. Just how you had learnt to speak. She’d called it idiolect, and you still bitterly thought that was the perfect word for it. It made you look like a complete idiot in front of everyone.

A soft knock at the door interrupted your panicking.

“Eridan? I should be heading back to my flat. Would you like to accompany me? I would very much like to talk to you, if that is alright.” It’s Rose, and as you go to open the door, she walks past you inside your room, heading for the second draw down on your desk like some sort of bloodhound.

“Good selection of make up here. I guess you must be able to afford it, but that tutorial isn’t as good as being taught.” She looks at you. “I’m sure I’d find something if I looked inside that closet of yours. You have no need to fear dressing up in my flat, you know. I’d welcome it, of course. Eyeliner is difficult to learn.”

“How-w the fuck did you know-w?” you croak. She points to your corkboard. Goddamn it, you had put that photo up under the assumption that no one would be in your room. It was from when you were sixteen, and refused to go to prom. Feferi had attacked her bank account, withdrawing enough money to buy you a flowing prom dress. You hated tuxes, and the day after the prom you had refused to attend, she’d given it to you, told you to pose and taken the photo, getting it printed off. You’d spent three hours doing your hair and make up for the photo.

You loved the dress. You didn’t see why people wanted to be so strict about clothing. Clothes in all shape and form tended to appeal to you, but once Feferi had started to buy you more bits and pieces, you had a habit for it. It was more that you did like looking pretty, liked not having to dress all smart and boring in suits. You were lucky Cronus was so stupid not to notice. He’d have mocked you, or worse, told your parents.

Why did clothes had to be so strict? It didn’t matter to you, or to Feferi, or even to Meenah when she found out. You enjoyed clothes, and feeling beautiful. Rose opened your closet doors as you stared at her, taking a few things out from the very back, repacking them in your personal suitcase.

“Get your makeup, Eridan. We’re having an evening together.” Rose came across to hug you. “And then I’ll introduce you to my flatmates. They’re all lovely girls, I think, and I’m sure that you and they will become fast friends.”

“Am I a nowelty to you?” you ask softly, and she shakes her head.

“You’re a person, believe me. I could slap Dave for not making any attempt, for making fun of you to my parents. I settled for salt in his tea, however.” She smiled, and you feel relief wash over you.

“I…I do Literature as well. Literature and History.”

She grins. “I thought you might. No offence, Eridan my dear, but you certainly look the part. I think Nepeta might like you especially. She loves Princess Jellyfish, I think, given that she dropped her anime collection when she was unpacking.”

You grin at her, the first smile since you got here. “Me too. Feferi and me w-watch it all the time, but I left her with the DVD w-when I left.” It was the way you could say goodbye. You gather up your makeup, flinging it in the suitcase, and the two of you stroll out arm in arm of your student flat.

 

Rose’s roommates are three girls with big smiles and bright eyes. Aradia Megido, who apparently knows Sollux from way back, apparently, although he doesn’t yet know that she’s attending. She giggles about it, and she’s a little more goth than Rose, although in a far more cheerful way. Like Day of the Dead more than Rose’s classy Halloween looks.

Nepeta Leijon is the cutest little thing ever, complete with a blue cat hat, and she peers owlishly at you before retreating slightly. When Rose introduces you as needing to change in someone’s bathroom, she peers around the wall like an actual anime character. She’s very precious, and reminds you of Feferi. You smile at her.

The third girl is Kanaya Maryam, who Rose introduces with a wicked little grin as her beloved. They both embrace, and then Rose sends you to get changed into ‘proper clothing of your choice’. Kanaya has tall high heels and smooth caramel skin, and looks like a model. Rose looks at her with the greatest affection, and you escape into Rose’s bathroom to give them privacy

You pick out a high-waisted striped skirt, and a grey shirt. You comb the gel from your hair, tying it into pigtails slowly. You hope that none of the girls will take issue with this, but you apply your make-up, eyeliner under your eyes, and using a good dollop of foundation over your annoying little freckles.

You step out slowly, nervously, knocking to give Rose and Kanaya warning. As you step out, Kanaya turns you around, examining you with her eyes.

“Hmm. You’ve got good hips, good legs…Well, a little on the skinny side, aren’t you? Her hands go around your waist and then move around your arm.

“Yes, I can definitely whip you up a thing or two. You’d be a delight to make clothes for. You’ve got a loose grip on styles, but there’s a lot of styles you’d suit.” She looks at you. “It is Halloween soon, dear, so I should love to help you with a costume. If that might suit you?”

“I—I…”

“Oh, don’t be so shocked. I need to keep in practice for my course, young man, and if Rose is a beautiful model, she is also easily a distraction. I think something more towards the ‘mori’ side of things might suit you extremely.” She hums as she produces a tape from somewhere, measuring you and humming to herself, jotting down your measurements in short order. You’re somewhere between a size ten and a size twelve depending on how many times you give into cakey temptation, and she seems pleased enough with the size.

“You’re what we lovingly refer to in our circle as Kanaya’s New Paper Doll,” Rose tells you softly, and then grins. “If you are here on a playdate, Eridan, we must swap clothes. It’s traditional.” Aradia and Nepeta are called in, and Nepeta hugs you immediately, while Aradia gives you double thumbs up.

“He’s Kurako!” she squeaks loudly, and then whirls you around. “Oh, why was he hiding in those stripy things? He would make a dashing pirate, Kanaya, you know he would!”

You stutter, before grinning suddenly. A pirate? “Nep, I do have a pirate costume, you know? I…I used to LARP back in the day.” One of the few pieces of fun you ever had was turning up to your LARP group near the river that ran through the woods with a small boat. You loved pretending to be a pirate, and you’d even found a fellow pirate who was a glorious bitch to have as a rival.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I FOUND A FELLOW! A COMRADE!” Nepeta whirls you around again, and stops you before you become too dizzy. “Equius goes to the next university over, so I can’t exactly ask him to come along with me, but I need someone to go with me to the LARP group they have here! And the dual-dressing should be amazing to work into the storyline I have planned out! What’s your character called?”

“I had a few-w. One I based off my dad, but I found this more interestin’ w-way to be. He’s called The Angel, and w-wears these pale gold cloaks. Another is a mixture of Dualscar and Angel, he’s called the Awenger an’ he pretty much is the sneakiest of all sneaky bastards.”

Nepeta squeals again, and tugs you through to the living room. “I have a lot of characters too, like Pounce de Leon! She’s part cat, sort of, and she’s a mercenary. I also have this girl called Tigress who is a warrior - I have a lot of warriors, y’know – but I love building up these different characters! I think Pounce and the Avenger would have such fun if they teamed up to take out the nobility!” She’s bouncing, blond curly hair bouncing with her under the hat.

Rose looks at you. “Is that why you have a purple and gold cape in your closet?”

“Yeah, I don’t got a lot of my LARP gear w-with me, but after w-what happened last time w-with my brother’s cigarette and Angel’s second best cape, I w-wasn’t goin’ to leave it there.” You suspected Cronus of more than foul play.

“I brought all of my gear!” Nepeta looks at Rose. “What are we going to be doing tonight?”

“Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.” Rose grins at you. “We’re going to see what styles you look best in, and maybe get an idea of what would be good for Halloween. I want to do a big theme, and the boys – my brothers - always just buy costumes. Costumes take time and a good light to work by.”

You look nervously, and Nepeta coughs. “I wouldn’t mind a fashion evening, you know? I mean, you all seem so nice, and I…Don’t really doll up if it isn’t LARP.”

You get what she means. Meenah doesn’t wear any makeup aside from that fuchsia lipstick of hers, which is frankly bright, and your eldest sister once let you do her makeup. She looked amazing, but she didn’t really wear make-up even after that.

“Well, let’s have an evening of it.” Aradia grins. “I think we should do fancy style. I mean, I want to be La Muerte this Halloween. She’s just…Amazing. And I have the hair for it already.” She twirls, showing her barely contained curls. This reminds you of your sisters so much you smile at her.

“You do.” Rose hums slowly. “Perhaps Wednesday Addams for myself. Or perhaps Elvira.”

“Rose, no.” Kanaya looks at her in horror. “Wednesday Addams is a good suggestion, but the Mistress of the Dark I could never permit. I beg you.”

Rose snickers as Kanaya looks at her with wide pleading eyes. “Oh, dearest, you know I can never resist being Morticia. What will you be going for this Samhain?”

“I thought perhaps a vampire might be suitable for a classical cut of costume.” Kanaya looks across at Nepeta, who shrugs.

“I thought purr-haps Ichigo from Tokyo Mew Mew!”

Oh, god, you love that show. You clasp her hands.

“You would be the cutest Ichigo, Nep. You’re…” You wave your hands, trying to find the right words.

Aradia giggles. “So kawaii.”

Nepeta hides her face in her hands and giggles. “I like your friend, Rose!”

You turn to Rose, who nods at you, and then you turn around.

“Well, do you want me to try doing some make up on you, Nep? I ain’t as good at eyeliner as Rose, but I’m okay?”

She nods, and you dive into your suitcase, pulling out a pale pink dress with a fluffy skirt that you rarely wear unless you’re feeling exceptionally like it. You brought along all your ‘feminine’ clothes with you to avoid detection by Cronus. You hand it to Nepeta, who says something about getting her ‘Chibi’ wig, and she whirls off, while Aradia and Rose dash off to their rooms, Kanaya sitting elegantly next to you.

“I always thought that university should be where you were finally yourself. No restrictions, finally. I think slowly, people emerge like butterflies.” She looks right at you. “Here, I would like to think, is a place without fear for you.”

You look at her. You wish the world were such a nice place. She smiles slowly as Rose and Aradia rush back with armfuls of clothes, Aradia tugging you away first and pulling some sort of gothic Lolita dress over your head. It’s about ninety per cent pure ruffles, and Kanaya opens her sketch book.

“Eridan, would you have any photos of your LARP pirate?” she asks, and you nod, digging out your phone from the shitty pocket you stitched to the inside of your skirt (seriously, girl’s clothes rarely have good pockets, it bugs the living shit out of you when they have fake pockets on things) as Aradia settles all the ruffles on the dress. You open the appropriate album, and she starts to sketch in the massive sketch book she has sat on her lap. Aradia parades you back and forth in front of her, and then Kanaya waves her hand, Rose pulling a beautiful tailcoat out of her clothes pile, pulling it onto you and hooking it up at the front. You do have a single white and gold tailcoat back home, and to be very honest, you love tailcoats. They’re elegant, and you have long toyed with the Avenger having one, but you’ve never got around to getting another one. The Angel had reason to have one, with all his class, but Avenger would look so beautifully villainous with one.

“Halloween takes planning,” Kanaya tells you later, after you’ve been dressed in about fifteen different outfits. “I do fashion here, and while a vampire is a beautiful concept, it’s easy to do. Most people go for easy, leaving out all the possibilities of everything. Elegant pirates have a certain finesse to them, and Nepeta, I believe, is a cosplayer. Rose and I have been dating since we were fourteen, and she’s a pleasure to draw outfits for. Morticia and La Muerte are both beautiful costumes. But tacky costumes hurt my designing soul.” She hands you her sketchbook, and Nepeta, dressed in your pink dress and her pink wig, is fidgeting on the sofa, black ears perched on her head.

You flip through, staring at this beautiful art. A short skirt with a long bustle features in most of them, looking delightfully pseudo-burlesque, a tailcoat with no front fastening over a corset and shirt in one, a short military jacket over a ruffled shirt and under corset in another. You especially love the three pointed hat. You look up and Kanaya smiles.

“Do you like it?”

You nod fervently, and she smiles.

“If you help me with material costs, I’ll make it for you. We’ll search for the corset and hat soon. It would be my pleasure to make it. Like I said, you have a good figure.”

You’re pulling off the most recent long dress, back in your skirt and shirt. “Kan, you’re an angel.”

“Oh, please. I’m hardly that.” You can tell she’s pleased, however, and you pull your bag from the bathroom to do Nepeta’s make-up.

Something simple, you decide. Ichigo, is, after all, pretty young. You use a paler foundation, telling her quietly to stay still, and brushing the powder on afterwards. In the inner corners, you use a pale pink eyeshadow in the inner corners of her eyelids, as Rose and Aradia take the big piles of clothes away. You feel like you’ve been used as a doll, but you can’t really be displeased. Nepeta looks downright adorable in your dress, after all, and you try to remember the plotline of Tokyo Mew Mew.

Darker pink on her eyelids with a bigger brush. You carefully apply the eyeliner, making her eyes look bigger and handing her a pink lipstick from your bag. She applies it carefully, blinking as you apply her mascara. She’s got very long eyelashes, like you yourself and both your sisters and even Cronus have, and she looks simply adorable when you’ve finished.

“There you go. One Ichigo Mo…” You try to remember the rest of her name, handing Nepeta some make-up setting spray, which she spritzes quickly on her face.

“Momomiya.” Nepeta reaches for her phone to check her reflection, and as she hugs you, squealing, you think you might have found a place to belong.


	3. Sollux===> Deal with new friends, smug idiots and Kankri.

When Eridan returns, he is relaxed, visibly, tension gone from his shoulders. He trundles his suitcase through to his room, yawning slightly. The hour is very late, something close to eleven, or maybe past it, and he looks surprised to see you as his companion follows him in. You and Dave hadn't yet gone to bed, although Jake had retired quite some time ago now.  
  
A cough interrupts your thoughts, a cough you know. You spin around to blink in amazement at the sight of your best friend standing there, giggling and waving before bouncing over to hug you tight, curls spilling over your shoulders.  
  
"Surprise!" she giggles, and you still can’t process that Aradia isn’t back in your hometown, attending that state’s university, that she’s here, just when you had made up your mind to be happy about how things had turned out for her sake rather than missing her like a hole in the head.  
  
"AA, what are you doing here?" you ask, dumbly, and she grins at you, the wide wicked grin that didn’t suit her sweet looks but was so damn Aradia that you grin back instinctively.  
  
"It has the best Ancient History course, dope." She flicks your ear as she pulls back, donning that pouting scowl that she had whenever you’d done something that wasn’t good for you. "Why are you still up?"  
  
You gape at her. You're quite glad she's here, but she could have told you, really. You shake your head, realising that you're very tired if your thoughts are scrambling like this, despite wanting to stay up and all. You let her steer you off the sofa, and walk towards your room, Aradia waving at Dave happily as she follows you, who salutes back. She chatters as she follows you, opening the door for you as your hand slides off the handle.  
  
“I’m staying with Rose, Dave’s sister, don’t know if you know her…and two other girls. I thought you might be surprised! Oh, and they’re keeping a secret system on the computers, for our use. This nice senior came by to tell us that, but said to keep it hushed up. They’re telling us tomorrow at the freshman event.” She’s gone, in a clatter of death-based jewellery, as you flop into bed, pausing only to kick off your jeans, tired beyond everything you know. You’re soon asleep.  
  
Unfortunately, you get exactly two hours of sleep before you wake up, mind racing about the boy in the next door room. You’re tired, but you can’t stop wondering about him. Why was he crying? Why had Rose kidnapped him off to the land of girls and literature? Why had he looked happier when he had come back? Could literature really make you so happy? And why had Aradia brought him back?  
  
You think for a minute, hoping he doesn’t have a crush on Aradia. That would be awkward, but you dismiss it. She just doesn’t seem like his type, somehow. There wasn’t that feeling between them. Your tired mind is just curious.  
  
You wonder what it’s like at home for him. How it must be leaving his siblings. You know Mituna missed you when he left for the local university, and he’ll miss you more now, but you don’t think he would be comfortable away from Latula. They’ve been together since she transferred across to your high school when she was fourteen. She stays with her aunt, who apparently is her mother’s twin sister. You’ve met Teresa Pyrope all of once, and have no wish to repeat the experience. It’s the way she just looks at you with a wide shark like grin, hair dyed a bright pillar box red.  
  
His sister seemed hardened to leaving him, though. She seems very tough, and although you know a thing or two about Eridan (he doesn’t want to talk to any of you, he has a weird warble in his voice, he can be rude, and he is so upset over something that he cried in his room) you don’t know if he’s tough or not. Probably.  
  
Maybe.  
  
Aradia had probably been told that you were Eridan’s roommate while he and Rose were doing their creepy book reading thing. You briefly entertain the image of them sitting on a pile of skeletons, turning pages in sync. If they really were, Aradia was probably friends already. She’s a true Goth – in that she adores morbid things. She was always easy to buy gifts for when you were small. You just used to order either animal skeletons off the net or those little excavation kits that they make with those dinosaur bones hidden inside. She still likes those. She loves Indiana Jones as well, and you have watched all of the films in her dingy bedroom, lit by Halloween fairy lights. She even has a black fedora, with a ruffled red ribbon around the brim that you suspect will make its appearance within a few days.  
  
You find yourself wondering what Eridan would wear. Something showy. He probably has a lot of hipster jewellery, like flashy rings. You definitely saw him wearing a few. Dave, you think, will still be wearing the same hoodie tomorrow, with the strange cog design on it, and Jake probably will wear some shirt with a skull on it. Everything he owns has skulls on it, and it’s a shame that Aradia turned up after Jake had gone to bed (at half nine, like a little kid or something) because those two, you are sure, will get on like a house on fire.  
  
You manage to fall back asleep, putting all your questions about Eridan fucking Ampora out of your mind. 

  


  
When you wake up, it’s too early, but you slope upwards. Jesus, your breath feels terrible, and your mouth tastes all weird. Yuck. You brush your teeth in the attached bathroom, still in your shirt from yesterday and boxers and questioning when your dads put this sweet attached bathroom in your room. It’s only the remembrance that you are now a student at university that stops you from wandering out into the hallway dressed as you are.  
  
You quickly get dressed, and pour some of the disgustingly sugary sweet honey cereal you are addicted to in the same way other people need cigarettes into your bowl. You’ve all piled your crockery into the cupboards. Well, three of you. Given the wealthy appearance of his suitcases and his father, you rather suspect Ampora of potentially having a mini fridge hidden in his room. It honestly would not surprise you.  
  
You appreciate the irony of the My Little Pony cereal bowl made of plastic you can see beside your yellow and black striped bowl and…yes, the skull patterned bowl that can only belong to Jake English. Dave, you’ve realised since yesterday, has a strange sense of humour.  
  
Speaking of the devil and him thus appearing, he’s shuffling out, a scowl on his face as he walks past you to grab the bowl from the cupboard. He must have stayed up long after you went to bed if he looks this hung over without alcohol.  
  
“Everything sucks.” He is, you realise, in his boxers, which are patterned with records. You roll your eyes.  
  
“Do you need thome of your addictive juithe?” You grab the bottle of apple juice from the fridge and slide it into his hand before he can answer, and he downs some quickly. He looks down at himself and blinks.  
  
“Ah. Captor, feel like giving me a ten dollar bill?” he asks, and you shake your head, grinning, taking the bowl from him and filling it with the Krave that has his name in sharpie on it. You both know that you will raid it some at another occasion, you’re sure.  
  
“Dammit, you tightass. Now I have to go put the rest of my clothes on.” He saunters back into his room, humming ‘Sexy And I Know It’. With surprising accuracy, really, for someone apparently not coherent enough to be dressed. You munch away on the sweet honey cereal, still trying to wake up somewhat.  
  
Jake is the next to emerge, heading for the fridge and taking out some sort of yoghurt thing that looks so healthy your taste buds recoil in fear and terror. Jesus but that really does look like some sort of soy / granola hybrid. Horror movies have nothing on the healthy diet of Jake English compared to your own. He eats it happily enough, and you’re pretty sure that no matter how drunk you get you will never, ever raid Jake English’s breakfast stash.  
  
About an hour before you all are due to be at the freshman ‘get to know each other and/or hate each other’ event, Eridan comes out of his room in a purple dress shirt, black waistcoat and very tight jeans. Black denim jeans with purple patches. You nearly spit out the coffee you’re nursing at this point, a now dressed Dave sitting up just the tiniest bit straighter, eyebrows going up quite a bit but otherwise not reacting at all, while Jake takes not the blindest bit of notice. Well, he himself is wearing some sort of formal jacket with a little green skull on the pocket. Or maybe he just hasn't damn well noticed.  
Eridan is actually, you realise with a sinking feeling, one of these people who doesn’t look like a stuffed penguin in formal wear. He looks like he’s stepped out of a style magazine. Possibly for pirates, given the open collar of the purple shirt. He has a smug look on his face, and you realise suddenly that he knows how good he looks. He’s wearing a backpack as well, and he sweeps out of the door still looking smug as shit. You begin to hate him just a little.  
  
“Well, we should get there before everyone swoons over Count von Purple, guys.” Dave stands up, walking in a measured way towards the door. Jake strides after him, and you groan. You had plans for the hour before you had to be sociable. Damn it. The kernel of hatred has well and truly taken root by now.  
  
By the time you reach the big grey rounded hall where the event is being held, (you have to check in at the door, oddly enough) a few people have gathered, including a girl in a blue cat hat who is clinging to Eridan, squealing and spinning him around. She’s in some kind of sleeveless black coat, shorts and thigh highs patterned with paw prints with an olive green shirt. She’s pretty cute, you think, and he bows to her, all formally. Goddamnit. You really feel inclined to tell her that Eridan is an asshole, make up something to keep the few people around from smiling dotingly at them. It’s about half an hour on when somebody claps their hands, and you see Mom Lalonde up on stage. You gape at her, staring, before you see that her scarf is striped pink and purple, and she’s younger. This must be Dave’s older sister. You try to remember her name, looking at her. She’s wearing a pink dress, and she’s giggling slightly. She looks so very much like her mother that you see what the fuck Dave and Rose meant by ‘you’ll know my sister when you see her’.  
  
“Now that everyone is here, we got to get started, dudes! I’m Roxy Lalonde, an’ me, Janey, Maryam an’ Dirky here are all here to help.” She gestures behind her, and you see someone who looks so much like Bro Strider that he has to be Dave’s big brother. He’s wearing a black tank top and even despite the pointy anime shades which cover his eyes, he looks like he is so very done.  
  
A round and happy girl who looks like a curvy 50’s pin up takes the microphone. “Hi! I’m Jane Crocker! Depending on your group, we will be running through some activities. If you got given the number one, you’re with me, so please stick up your hands!”  
  
Dave puts his hand up, and she smiles at everyone. You look over to see Aradia’s hand in the air. As you predicted, she’s wearing her fedora, a grin on her face. Jane claps her hands and walks slowly down the steps from the stage, taking everyone in group one off with her. A girl with curling vine tattoos all over her visible skin aside from her face – and given her dress, a lot of skin is visible – steps forward.  
  
“My name’s Porrim Maryam. Group Two is with me.” She sashays down the stairs, and you can see a girl who is stood next to Rose putting her face in her hands as the cute girl with the cat hat bounds forward. The two – the girl near Rose and Porrim – look alike enough that you can guess they’re sisters. What is it with this campus and siblings? You step forward as well, following Porrim as she leads the lot of you out of the round building towards a big building by the lake in the middle of campus. A short grumpy looking guy stomps up to your side.  
  
“This sucks. This completely fucking sucks. Where in signing up did it say I would have to socialise?” He pulls at his hair and looks at you. His eyes are this weird shade of brown, almost red, but not in the bright way that Dave’s are. His hair is dark brown, and he has tan skin. And he is wrapped in a black sweater.  
  
He’s fucking adorable. Like an angry kitten.  
  
“I think they athhumed we would be nithe. Joke’th on them. If I get pithhed off, I’m uthing my thkillth to recreate the fucking Hunger Gameth.” You grin at him, and he relaxes somewhat.  
  
“I will fucking join you. Real or not real.”  
  
You grin wider, before you realise everyone has stopped with Maryam at this weird building. It’s got a giant frog built on it.  
  
“This is the Mendicant Building, one of our oldest building, and before you ask, yes, that is a giant fucking frog. We call it the Frog Temple. It’s our deepest tradition to decorate the frog on Rag Week, which is two weeks away.”  
  
After this speech, she leads you inside to a large room, and grins.  
  
“You’re going to be split into groups to talk. Karkat…Vantas?” She grins widely and the short boy visibly bristles.  
  
“Yes. Yes, it’s me. Yes, Maryam, it’s me, no baby stories or I swear I will punch you.”  
  
“You’re with Sollux Captor and Nepeta Leijon.” She takes no notice of his threat in a way that promises retribution. You wave an arm awkwardly at him, and cat-hat cutie bounds over to you with a big grin on her face. Oh, great. The universe just loves you today. You wait while all the other groups are called out, not talking, but just waiting.  
  
“OKAY. GROUPS.” Maryam waves her arms once everyone has been divided up. “We’re all going to play a game. You’re going to ask a question, and the person gives two answers. One is true, the other is false. You have to guess which. You guess wrong, and you have to answer one question truthfully. Anyone got a problem?”  
  
You all shake your heads. This sounds…annoying, but still alright. Nepeta apparently thinks that this is fun, because she’s hopping from foot to foot. Or maybe she needs the bathroom. You think it’s probably the former from the look on her face.  
  
“Ready, set, go!” Porrim strolls to the back of the room, and you turn to Nepeta.  
  
“What’th your hobby?” you ask, bored, and she giggles.  
  
“Answer one, I’m an assassin. Answer two, I like to swim!” She looks at you and you sigh. Oh, yes, so difficult. Really, she could have made this more fun, you think, and shrug.  
  
“Obviouth. You like to thwim.”  
  
“BZZZZZZZZZ!” She mimes pressing a button where you’ve all sat down on the floor. “Wrong-a-roonie! I’m an assassin in my free time!” She’s giggling quietly to herself as she makes her fingers into claws.  
  
You gape. What the actual fuck? What even is this girl?  
  
“She’s wearing a LARP badge on her jacket, idiot. Is your character an assassin?” Karkat asks her, grudging respect in his voice as she falls about giggling, nodding. Oh, good. Someone who probably has weapon replicas. Just what you need, really, in these turbulent times where everyone is an asshole. Assholes with weapons. Though you can’t really think of Nepeta as an asshole. She’s a little too cute for that.  
  
“I hate the water, I fell into the sea when I was really little and I honestly totally cannot swim due to that whole bundle of crap.” It occurs to you that Nepeta looks too sweet to swear. “Okay, Pawllux! You have to answer this one truthfully! What’s your favourite fandom?”  
  
You stare blankly for a minute. “I guethh motht game oneth? I play a lot of gameth, tho probably Pokémon. I’ve got pretty much all of the gameth.” And all the Pokémon on most of the games. You’ve got a 3DS, a DS Lite, and a Gameboy. You love your games. Pokémon is a constant, of course, and your brother taught you how to play bit by bit through his good days.  
  
She squeals, and it’s a loud squeal, tackling you in a hug. “AC adores Pokémon! She hugs Mr Captor tightly and –“  
  
She pulls away, flushing, like you yelled at her. You didn’t mind it at all. “Sorry, that’s…uh…a bad habit of mine.”  
  
D’awww. You have no more irritation towards her. You ruffle her hat slightly. “It’th fine. Now I know that you definitely RP. That’th old thchool RP, NP.” She grins at you, quite cat-like, and turns to Karkat with that big old grin on her face. Aw, yes. You have cheered up the cat girl.  
  
“What’s the worst gift you ever got given?” she asks, finally, and he grimaces. Oh, this should be good, you think. Families always give terrible gifts.  
  
He looks up finally, with such a worn down expression you cannot help but feel for him. “One, a bible with a note saying ‘I know you dated a boy in middle school, but I couldn’t come up with anything else’. Two, a bill that totalled $3000 dollars.”  
  
Oh, crap, that’s hard. They both sound equally plausible and equally shitty. Nepeta grins slowly at him. “I guess both.”  
  
Karkat sighs. “You guess right. I mean, I know I’m not allowed to do that, but shit, my dad is really, really bad with Christmas. One year I got a tapestry kit, but I was gearing up to come out to him at the time and it was just like, shit, really, you sneaky bastard, how the fuck did you know? Took the wind right the fuck out of my sails, I can tell you that. The bill was the same year, from my brother who meticulously took note of every time I swore during the jolly holiday season and charged me an entire quarter each time. I didn’t pay it, but he was so fucking smug I wanted to punch him in the face. He’s such a little saint, I would actually like my Christmas present this year to be his besmirching. Seriously. He acts all saintly, and with how huge of a fucking virgin he is, he may literally give birth to the next Christ. He didn’t even write or call last year while he was here.”  
  
Damn. You burst into laughter about the same time as Nepeta, and when you can actually breathe, you manage to tell him that his is the third batshit family on campus aside from Eridan and Dave’s. Nepeta squeals as you mention Eridan.  
  
“I know him! I know him! He came around to our flat last night!” She rolls slightly on her butt, rocking from side to side with a happy little expression adorning her face. Nepeta is too adorable for her own good. What she really needs is a body guard. Wait? Her flat? Does she share with the darkly mysterious, More-Goth-Than-Thee-Shalt-Ever-Be Rose Lalonde?  
  
Oh. That would be why she was clinging to Eridan. They probably made friends, you think, and this is confirmed when Nepeta tells you that they watched Princess Jellyfish together. Princess Jellyfish? You can’t say you quite know it, but you think it’s an anime. Hm. You file the information away for later. You’ll teach him to be all smug to you.  
  
“Have you ever been bullied, NP?” you ask her, and she gets a wicked little look. Yes, she and Aradia probably are going to get along perfectly. She clears her throat.  
  
“I got bullied one time and I have this big friend who everyone is scared of – he really is a sweetie, he watches MLP and his family own a horse ranch as a side. They’re fantastic engineers, all of them, and Equius is really strong. His brother Horuss is a little skinny, but he can control his strength. Equius has been in and out of hospital more times than I can count because he’s broken glasses as he holds them. But he boxes, too. Anyway, he was out helping with an emergency in the workshop when this guy decides his day needs to include shoving me around. Unfortunately for him, I do self-defence as part of my LARP training, so I decided to teach him…a little lesson. I’m not a girl in a cat hat shivering behind my muscular best friend. I’m fucking dynamite.” She makes a fist and slaps her other hand over it. You and Karkat both jump and she cackles.  
  
“So I begin to sniffle, wait until he gets close and punch that fucker in the dick, and kick him into the lockers opposite. I get suspended for it, but it was worth it. Could have done worse, you know.” She grins wide again and Karkat holds out a fist to bump.  
  
“Jesus, you’re one scary kid, Nepeta.”  
  
She grins at you both but turns to you. “Pawllux, who’s your favourite Pokémon?”  
  
“Minun and Pluthle both.” You love Electric Types, but the two Pokémon are so adorable and they match. You’ve got a thing for things matching, it’s true. Nepeta squeals, and Karkat looks at you.  
  
“I’m sorry, what? Obviously, Krabby is the superior choice.” He sniffs and you both fall about laughing. Nepeta tries to stifle her laughter, but oh my God, Krabby is so damn perfect for Karkat you can’t even fucking breathe. You would place money on the fact that he has a PC Box just full of Krabby.  
  
Porrim claps her hands quickly just as you and Nepeta catch your breath. “Right! You should know people a little better now, unless you have sat there being unsociable, in which case you only have yourself to blame.” A few people jump, and she smiles languidly.  
  
“Now, we’re going up to the computer suite on the next floor. Within your group, you’ll be setting up a chat using our messaging client, Trollian. And for some of you, I have special warnings. Don’t be an asshole, okay?” You swear her eyes were on you. Like glaringly obviously on you. “You’ll be setting up an account. You can install it on your laptops from the main school site. Please follow me.” She sashays towards the door, and you all follow. It’s like Maryam is the fucking Pied Piper. Nepeta hangs onto your arm, and also onto Karkat’s, like this is the Wizard of Fucking Oz. You think she’s very sweet. You get to the computer suite pretty quickly, and Maryam sits you all at different computers, looking a little tired out.  
  
It’s easy enough to set up an account, and you scroll down the group chats until you hit ‘KRABBY IS AWESOME FUCK YOU’.  
  
Yup. That’s your chat.  
  
twinArmeggedons [TA] joined the chat!  
  
Online:  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
twinArmeggedons [TA]  
arsenicCatnip [AC]  
CG: I THINK THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT MARYAM MADE SO WE DON’T HAVE TO MAKE FUCKING EYE CONTACT, GUYS.  
TA: wouldn’t 2urprii2e me the2e 2narky broad2 and their bull2hiit could send a man mad  
AC: :33 *ac giggles at the unsuspecting boys who have no clue about girls*  
CG: OH HA FUCKING HA. LISTEN, MARYAM PROBABLY JUST GOT TIRED OF BABYSITTING US ALL. I KNOW MY FUCKING COUSIN, GUYS. SHE’LL BE PLAYING 2048 ON HER PHONE OR DRAWING.  
TA: waiit what  
CG: PORRIM MARYAM IS MY COUSIN, NUMBNUTS. MY FATHER IS THE BROTHER OF HER MOTHER, YOUNGER BY ABOUT TEN YEARS. PORRIM MOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF MY BIG BROTHER. SO I KNOW HER PRETTY WELL. I PREFER HER SISTER. SHE’S CALLED KANAYA.  
TA: the one who wa2 2tood next to RL?  
CG: ROSE LALONDE, THE SNARKIEST OF BROADS TO GRACE THE EARTH. HER BELOVED. THEY WILL HAVE MANY SMALL SCIENCE BABIES WHO WILL GROW UP TO SNARK THE WORLD.  
AC: :33 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I FURGOT! I NEED A SHIP NAME SO I CAN OBSERVE!  
AC: :33 it’s canon so it has to be good. i share with them, y’know? i’m a lucky lucky girl!  
CG: OH FUCK, YOU’RE A SHIPPER. OF COURSE YOU ARE.  
AC: XPP no fucking duh  
AC: :?? rosaya? no, no…  
AC: X33 ALL ABOARD THE GOOD SHIP ROSEMARY  
AC: :33 and i am no mere shipper, karkitty, i am the matchmaker   
CG: CRAP. I’M SCREWED, AREN’T I.  
AC: :33 that’s right sucka  
TA: ehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe you brought thii2 on your2elf KK  
CG: I HAVE A FUCKING WILD CARD ON MY HANDS. MY BROTHER IS NINETEEN AND HAS NEVER EVEN BEEN ON A DATE, NEVER MIND BEEN KISSED.  
AC: :33 hmmmm…for such a case, i cannot refuse!  
AC: :33 i can feel the romance surrounding this mysterious brother!  
TA: a tall dark 2tranger huh NP  
TA: come to 2weep hiim off hii2 feet  
AC: :33 MOG YES  
AC: :33 but it needs to have balance, you know  
AC: :33 no perfect prince for…what’2 your brother called, karkitty?  
CG: HE’S CALLED KANKRI.  
AC: :33 I see  
AC: :33 did he efur get called kranki?  
CG: GOLLY GEE, HOW DID YOU GUESS. FEEL HOW ASTOUNDED I AM THROUGH THIS BEAUTIFULLY NEUTRAL GREY. MARYAM USED TO CALL HIM THAT ALL THE TIME. ALL HE DOES IS RANT AND RANT AND TALK AND IT GETS WHERE YOU CAN FEEL YOUR BRAIN DRIPPING OUT OF YOUR EARS.  
CG: HE ALSO WEARS A RED SWEATER ALL THE TIME. I HAVE PHOTOS OF HIM WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME SWEATER. PORRIM MAKES THE SAME ONE FOR HIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVERY FEW YEARS. IT’S SO OVERSIZED YOU GET SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT. HE ALSO WEARS SKINNY JEANS OR LEGGINGS. IF IT’S LEGGINGS, HE PULLS THEM UP TO HIS ARMPITS.  
TA: oh my god your brother 2ound2 hiilariious kk  
CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSLORD. NEPETA, I’M SETTING YOU ON SOLLUX AS WELL. FEEL FREE TO MAKE FREE WITH HIS ROMANTIC LIFE. MAKE IT MISERY AND HELL.  
AC: X33 *ac confesses she is way ahead of you both on that one, but zips her lip tight*  
TA: you really are a 2cary giirl NP  
CG: ALL IN FAVOUR SAY FUCK YES.  
TA: fuck ye2  
AC: :33 hellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
CG: NEPETA, DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?  
AC: :33 only one, she’s a bigger shipper than me  
AC: :33 she’s called meulin!  
CG: A BIGGER SHIPPER THAN YOU? OH HOT DAMN. I AM STAYING OUT OF HER WAY, ALRIGHT?  
AC: :33 that’s fine, karkitty, i will be a good me and not tell her where you hide  
TA: ii’ve got a brother called mituna, he goe2 to unii back in Vermont  
TA: liike2 iit too  
CG: CAN WE SEND KANKRI THERE  
CG: ASSHOLE NEVER COMES HOME ASIDE FROM WHEN HE HAS TO AND NEVER CALLS. NEVER CALLED LAST YEAR.  
TA: waiit  
TA: waiit a miinute  
TA: doe2 kankrii pii22 off everyone when he talk2  
CG: YEAH, MOSTLY. HE WOULDN’T TALK TO US WHEN HE CAME HOME THIS CHRISTMAS. PORRIM DIDN’T TELL ME WHY, ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW IF SHE KNOWS OR WHAT.  
TA: do you know who he 2hare2 wiith  
CG: WELL, YOU KNOW THAT ONE GUY? DIRK? ON STAGE? HE SHARES WITH HIM, OR AT LEAST, HE DID LAST YEAR. DIRK’S YOUNGER SISTER IS DATING MINE AND KANKRI’S COUSIN, AFTER ALL. THEY’RE PRACTICALLY FAMILY.   
AC: :33 *ac purrks up, wondering if pawllux knows something*  
TA: yeah apparently thii2 lecturiing guy la2t year got 2liipped a roofiie and iit me22ed wiith hii2 med2 and he had to go to ho2piital  
CG: …  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHAT THE HELL  
TA: ii 2hare wiith diirk’s younger brother dave  
TA: he ba2iically made 2ure hii2 2ii2ter made friiend2 wiith one of u2 2o no 2hiit can kiick off  
TA: ii2 that your brother  
CG: FUCK. YOUNGER STRIDER. OF COURSE. YEAH. KANKRI HAS TONIC CLONIC SEIZURES, BUT HE’S ON REALLY HEAVY MEDS TO PREVENT THEM. HE CAN’T DRINK ALCOHOL, BUT…  
CG: OH, SHIT.  
CG: THAT WOULD BE WHY HE DIDN’T CALL, THE FUCKHEAD. DIDN’T WANT TO WORRY US, PROBABLY. DUMB SHIT HE IS, HE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WOULD FUCKING WORK INSTEAD OF MAKING ME AND DAD ABSOLUTELY WORRIED FOR HIM. FOR FUCK’S SAKES.  
CG: OH, CRAP, PORRIM CAN’T KNOW ANY OF THIS. IF SHE HAD KNOWN SOMEONE HAD PUT KANKRI IN HOSPITAL SHE WOULD HAVE GONE SHITHIVE MAGGOTS. I’M PRETTY SURE SHE’D CHAINSAW THEM.  
CG: OH, CRAP ON A CRACKER. KANKRI DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO FUCKING TELL US, THE SHIT.  
AC: :33 *ac makes a sad noise, feeling bad for kankitty*  
AC: :33 that must have been scary  
CG: PRETTY FUCKING MUCH. I’M GOING TO KILL HIM. HE’S SUPPOSED TO TELL HIS DOCTOR WHEN THIS SHIT KICKS OFF SO IT GOES ON HIS RECORDS.  
CG: I MEAN, THE HOSPITAL PROBABLY AUTOMATICALLY DID IT, BUT… JESUS, IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THE ASSHOLE WHO SLIPPED HIM THAT, I MAY NEED BAILING OUT FOR MANSLAUGHTER.  
CG: I’M SORRY, OFFICER, I ACCIDENTALLY PUNCHED THEM AND THEN RAN THEM OVER SEVENTY TIMES. IT WAS TRAGIC.  
AC: :33 *sharpens claws*  
CG: YES. GOOD NEPETA.  
TA: ii’m 2orry man ii diidn’t know anythiing about that  
CG: THANKS FOR TELLING ME, THOUGH. KANKRI PROBABLY WOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD US. HE PROBABLY TOOK PAINS TO HIDE IT FROM PORRIM, OTHERWISE MARYAM WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPELLED FOR GBH.  
CG: I HOPE THIS IS OVER. I NEED TO GO AND FIND KANKRI AND SHOUT HIM OUT OVER THIS. IT’S LIKE NEARLY DYING AND NOT TELLING YOUR FAMILY. FUCK, IT’S NOT LIKE, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. HE COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED.

You look over the computers and see that Karkat is shaking, and you swiftly move to get him away from everyone. Nepeta reaches him before you do, whispers in his ear and then begins shivering, gasping like something’s wrong and falling against him. You subtly steer Karkat after her.  
  
“I’m sorry, Miss Maryam, I’m…” She looks up, shakily, and Porrim looks concerned. As predicted, she was playing 2048, but she’s abandoned it now. Fainting teenagers probably weren’t on her list of things she wanted to deal with.  
  
“Dear, why don’t you go outside? Will you two go with her and make sure she gets some fresh air?” You both nod, trying to look like gentlemen as you move Nepeta out of the room. You dart in to sign you and the other two out, moving after them. Nepeta stands up straight the minute you are out of the room, gently moving Karkat to the doors as he tries to breathe in fresh air, before he begins to cry, sitting by the lake and just shaking with tears.  
  
“If I ever found out who did it, they’re dead, I swear. Dead.” Nepeta hugs him tightly and you cough, not knowing what to do, before digging a chocolate bar out of your bag and handing it to him. Karkat munches on it slowly, trying to calm down, and eventually he smiles shakily at you.  
  
“You learn that from Harry Potter, asslord?”  
  
“Thure ath fuck did, KK. Want to ditch and grab a bite to eat from the little café?” You’ve been consulting the little map you got in the post so you don’t try and hug Karkat. Hugs only ever ended badly for you if you weren’t hugging Aradia. The Mendicant Building is near the Noir Café, just about, if you follow the path. Nepeta nods quickly, bouncing up agilely and tugging Karkat up with her. You all head off, and the mystery of Eridan is now not the only mystery swirling around in your screwed up brain. Kankri is a fresh new mystery, although, dammit, now you’re wondering about Eridan again. Dumb smug bastard.

  
When you do reach the café, a man with a scowl is behind the counter. He’s heavyset, and there is a heart tattooed on his left hand. He completely creeps you out, but you’re more disturbed to see Rose and Dave having tea in a corner. How the fuck did they sneak out? Dave grins slowly at Karkat, who storms up and actually slaps him, hard. You wince in sympathy, while Nepeta’s hands fly to her mouth. Dave rubs his cheek looking somewhat shocked.  
  
“Woah, Kitkat, what the fuck—“  
  
“SHUT UP! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” Karkat’s shaking again, and Dave’s cheek is growing very red where Karkat struck it. Well, shit.  
  
“My problem?” Dave asks slowly, and Rose has an icy look as she stares at Karkat.  
  
“His problem?” she asks, archly. Whoops. Snarky broads be upset. You step out of snark range and pull Nepeta with you.  
  
“You didn’t think to tell me about Kankri? You didn’t think that you needed to tell me that particular nugget of information, Strider? I didn’t need to know?” He’s shaking again, and his eyes are doing the darting thing they did last time before he burst into tears.  
  
Nepeta’s quite twitchy beside you, so you put a hand on her shoulder, before jumping as Dave grabs Karkat and pulls him onto the sofa beside him, hugging him tight.  
  
“Thought he would have told you,” Dave says quietly, and woah, woah, that is…Pretty damn…Hot damn. You look at the now-still Nepeta, whose eyes are sparkling. Crap, she can see it too. Karkat is relaxing, and he’s going to cry again, so you head to the counter where the scary man is paying no attention to the fact violence just happened. You buy some sort of cherry sponge cake, and place it in front of the now unhappy and crying Karkat. Rose has mechanically produced some tissues from somewhere, and has offered them to Dave, who is wiping Karkat’s tears away. They’re almost giving off rainbows here. You somehow know they aren’t yet together, though. There’s just an occasional thing where Dave’s hesitancy speaks of boundaries.  
  
“Kitkat, we’ll find Kankri, okay? Make him talk to you. He’ll be somewhere on campus, alright? Rose, take the asshat and the lady back to my place, okay?” He waves a hand at you, and you dig your key out of your pocket, but Rose waves a hand languidly.  
  
“I fear my arse does not wish to move itself. Bring Kankri here. Hearts won’t mind it, so long as we buy things. He’s a sweetie like that, according to Roxy.”  
  
The man grins, waving at Rose who waves back like a princess. Jesus. Karkat is herded off by Dave, who seems actually kind of angry. Maybe it’s Kankri making Karkat cry, maybe it’s getting slapped, but Dave is no longer happy. Rose sighs softly.  
  
“I often question myself, Sollux, about the legitimacy of one’s brother dating the cousin of your girlfriend. It’s haunting me, but this sticky situation can only end one way. But that’s a trifle compared towards the relationship between Karkat and Kankri. Everyone assumes things, which doesn’t help.” She turns to Nepeta. “Were you anything but a professional, Nepeta, I would ask you not to push things. Second day of university, but it’s already turning to shit.”  
  
She looks at the untouched sponge cake thoughtfully, and before you can blink, her fork has flashed forward and the cherry is gone from the top. She munches on it slowly, and sighs.  
  
“The thing is, I’ve witnessed Karkat and Kankri fighting before. It’s awful to think your brother is dying and he didn’t tell you, I realise, but Karkat…can be a little caustic. I remember Dirk breaking down about the incident when he got home to me and Dave. I suspect Dave played it off, but Kankri was coming around every couple of minutes, crying and saying he was going to die, he was going to die and go to hell, he was worthless, he didn’t know why his medicine wasn’t working. And then irrationality set in. How well do you know the bible?”  
  
You waver your hand, mind reeling. The Kankri described to you doesn’t sound like this one. Rose sighed.  
  
“The Vantas family are from a religious background. Unfortunately, there is a description of epilepsy in the bible that is depicted rather unhlepfully. I should think Kankri knows of that particular piece well. He doesn’t want to accept his condition, despite taking the medicine daily as he should. He referred to himself as a possessed piece of shit to begin with. And he never swears, Dirk said. I don’t think the incident went down well with him at all. I would have suggested a psychiatrist, were it not for the fact that some can be quite…indelicate. I am nineteen years old. I should not be the one dealing with this. But I can’t help myself. I would request Eridan’s help, what with his knowledge, but he himself is a delicate case, and throwing glass boxes together never works.” She seems to be more talking to herself than you, and you realise that maybe Rose is calming herself down.  
  
“Lalonde, don’t throw yourthelf in an othean of mithery if you can’t thwim.” You push the cherry cake towards her, but she shakes her head softly.  
  
“I prefer New York Cheesecake, if you would be a dear.” She pulls out a little realistic octopus purse out of her neat little purple bag, fishing a few coins out and handing them to you. Nepeta pulls out a cat patterned one and hands you some money for a Chai Latte, with a 'please' and a 'thank you', unlike Lalonde. She really is adorable, you think. You trudge back to the counter, seeing her and Nepeta whispering, and wonder what they’re wanting as you hand the money over to Hearts, who serves up a slice of cheesecake delicately for someone with hands as large as his, and tells you to ‘sit your ass down and wait for the frippery latte shit’. You spring for a gingerbread cookie with a paw print on it for Nepeta, and take it and the cake back over to the girls.  
  
Nepeta shuts her mouth the minute you sit down, taking the cookie with a cute little ‘Arigatou!’, while Rose simply takes the fork and begins to demolish the cheesecake like an alcoholic knocking back shots. You suspect she’s had a very long day, despite it only being around two o’ clock.  
  
The door slams open about ten minutes later, and a boy with a red sweater and pale, pale skin storms in. The sweater is way too big for him, and his snowy locks make him seem like the sweater is draining all colour from him. Bright red eyes like Dave’s, but he is so very Karkat that this and the red sweater immediately mark him as Kankri. He, like Dave, Rose, and presumably the rest of their family, seems to suffer from albinism, and he’s very, very jittery. He looks like someone has been all up in his grill, like a dog that's been kicked and has decided to bite every hand including the one that feeds it. Something about his manner makes you think that Rose is completely correct in her assumption that he’s a delicate case, and he is just talking and talking like words are his weapon and he will die if he stops even to draw breath. This is Kankri, alright.  
  
Karkat is with him, and Dave is behind him, and they are both talking so fast, so loud, that you cannot even hear what they’re saying until something in Kankri snaps and he pushes at Karkat roughly, who stumbles into Dave, eyes wide with shock as Dave tightens his grip, keeping Karkat from going near Kankri.  
  
“If you don’t give any fucks about me, then leave me the hell alone!” It’s like there is fire in his eyes and he freezes after realising he swore, turning to look at the three of you before rolling his eyes.  
  
“Oh yes, Miss Lalonde, how nice to arrange for me to be dragged from my dorm at this time when I clearly would come socialise with you should I care to! Christmas will be a lovely one this year, I suspect, what with your sparkling attitude.” There’s venom in his words, and you suddenly remember one of your dads, Leland, telling you that if you want a hurt animal to come to you, don’t touch it. Otherwise it will attack you without restraint.  
  
You seriously would not fucking put it past Kankri at this point. He’s shaking a little.  
  
“Greetings to you too, Kankri. It’s always nice to see you—“  
  
He’s smiling a little too falsely, flipping her off with both hands in a way that does not suit him at all, and then he’s off through the other door, actually running, and Dave swears, bolting after him faster than should be possible as Karkat slumps and comes to sit with the cherry cake, picking it up and taking a big bite.  
  
“What the hell is his fucking problem, stick shoved so far up his ass…” He’s not even finishing his sentences, and you suspect that words have been said on the way to the café. You think it’s also pretty safe to assume that Karkat and Kankri are fighting.  
  
“Tho…he theemth….nithe…” you try, but Rose is looking at Karkat in that same icy way. What is her deal?  
  
“Karkat, I’ve known you and Kankri both a little while now. I would like to impart wisdom with you. I am almost literally on my giant wisdom tooth as you come by in your plane fuelled almost entirely on anger.” She waits until he’s listening properly.  
  
“If you tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them, chances are they will believe you.”  
  
Karkat looks to the side, and wow, that is a lot of guilt for such a short person. You look at him in sympathy, before a breathless Dave walks back.  
  
“I lost him. He’s pretty damn fast. Probably all that talking, never runs out of breath.” He sits down next to Karkat, which means you have to shuffle up. Karkat looks like he’s about to cry again. Oh well. You heard that humans can only cry thirty tears at a time. You hope the legend is true.  
  
Rose stands, and offers Nepeta her arm. “Well, I’ve had my share of bullshit today, Dave. Get some arnica cream on your cheek before you go to sleep, and let Karkat stay with you a little while. Walk him back like a gentleman, please. I’ll be dealing with Porrim soon enough, I should think, so please mention to Dirk he needs to go looking for Kankri if he’s not back by five.”  
  
You wish you could go with them as the girls sweep away, whispering again like they’re plotting something. But you need to be with KK and Dave.  
  
Dave has a defeated slump to his shoulders as he reassures Karkat. This, you think, will be a long evening.


	4. Dirk ===> Start the ball rolling and platonically marry the boy

You sighed as you wandered out of the little flat-like set of rooms. It was six o’ clock and Kankri hadn’t come back. It had been four when you’d let the freshmen go off to wherever they desired. You’d complained to Kankri last night as you had both set up your rooms as they had been previously that you didn’t want to watch over kids, because you were frankly terrible with children. Unless they liked the same shows you did, you were lost as to how to deal with them. You’d thankfully not had Rose or Kanaya in your group – Roxy had had that dubious joy - but you had had a kid who appeared to be rocking pirate chic, wearing a purple dress shirt that looked expensive. Damn snotty kid made you feel underdressed. And just as you had been looking forward to your quiet evening, fate sprung your brother’s bullshit on you. Only this time, it included your best friend, and that shit was not on.

You and Kankri had signed up to share a suite, instead of going and renting a house like many of the other students had chosen to do, or one of the houses on campus. You preferred the flat the two of you had had last year, and Kankri preferred to cling to you like a kid who was allowed not to go to kindergarten and stay home with his parents. Kankri seemed to like you in his own asshole way, but you had got back to find one of your neighbours waiting for you, ending up by telling you that Kankri had stormed out after a big screaming argument followed by two people. Further enquiry proved it to be Karkat and Dave, so you’d known immediately that even though it _was only your second fucking day for shit’s sake_ you probably were going to have to deal with screaming bullshit that waited for no man, and certainly not for you. You’d tried to cling to a glimmer of hope by waiting in your suite for Kankri to reappear, but with every minute that Kankri had not returned, you found yourself more and more worried.

Not just because of Kankri’s condition. More like…because if Karkat was arguing, he might have found out what the hell went down last term with that complete asshole who thought drugging someone solved the fucking problem with them. And you had only told Dave after agonising over it for three weeks during the holidays when you’d been trying to sort through all the bullshit in your head that had been going on in a big, big way, because you were, unfortunately, kind of a genius, and thinking about everything in exquisite detail was definitely your thing. Lucky you.

Part of you wanted to go throttle your idiotic younger brother for letting slip to Karkat. Kankri was a surprisingly delicate person. All of his defences were paper thin, and he was, to be frank, fucked up in the head. Growing up in a very religious family who brought out the Bible so often about your supposed possession that when asked, Kankri _could remember the damn line numbers_ had to fuck you up. Karkat was nothing like him, truly, because Karkat was all rage and had as much tact with his brother as a fucking industrial bulldozer.

Kankri had been a model student all his life, as far as you could tell from his academic record that you had definitely not got Roxy to hack into and find out, but his anger had started spiking more since what you both referred to as ‘The Incident’. And now thanks to Dave and his big mouth, Kankri was probably either in the little woods by the Renegade Building or, worse, in the bigger woods that were by the very edge of campus. He always went there when he ran off, which had only happened now and then, but enough that you knew he would be there.

You set off, looking down as you walked out, sighing deeply. You weren’t a drama queen. It was just that around Kankri drama always fucking happened. Somehow, you’d become friends, and you couldn’t help but care when Kankri was so clearly hurting. His parents were kind; his aunt Maryam was kind; but his other family, the community around him, they had never been so. You had thought you knew a bad situation until Kankri’s drugged state had laid his mind open for you, something that was terrifying at the time, and….kind of was still terrifying. You had seen Kankri, without any walls. Kankri, without his bluster.

And Kankri was almost made of glass, fragile and a ticking time bomb of repressed emotions, of blame and self-loathing. He could be an asshole, of course. No one was perfect, and Kankri certainly wasn’t. But as you’d become friends, Kankri had stopped lecturing you, had simply relaxed somewhat. On an evening, you would sit together, Kankri’s head on your shoulder in a comfortingly platonic way while you watched a movie when before he would have a big speech about everything bad in the movie. You were pretty much good friends now.

Although how Kankri would react now his story was out was debatable. Dave could have destroyed all the trust Kankri had in you (the only person he actually seemed to truly trust) in one fell swoop. You continued to walk across the campus, across the lawn rather than the path which students were excitedly walking along, revelling in the new experience university was bringing their little middle class selves, talking with each other like it was the fucking first day of preschool. You really tried not to glare at them, but they most likely couldn’t tell behind your glasses when you did.

So Kankri hadn’t told Karkat. You knew he hadn’t. So what? ‘Oh, yes, Karkat, the thing which makes you fuss over me when otherwise you couldn’t give two shits about me happened again’? Was that what Kankri was meant to be like? So he hadn’t told his parents. He was a _grown fucking adult._ He didn’t have to.

In a short while, you reached the wood, pausing before you began to walk through the trees, sighing when you spotted Kankri curled tight under a tree, sweater pulled over his knees. Kankri looked up as you slowly approached, and fuck, now you felt horrible. Kankri had been crying, and he now turned his face away.

“You told them.” Yes, he seemed pissed as well. Welp.

“I told Dave. I told him not to tell anyone else.” Careful so as not to incur any wrath that Kankri could possibly have left from his argument with Karkat, you sat next to Kankri, sighing, and then opened your arms, Kankri moving to put his head on your shoulder, curling into you. The weight was reassuring, like a non-verbal confirmation that yes, the two of you were still friends, yes, he didn’t hate you, and yes, you had not yet fucked up beyond repair.

“He doesn’t care. I shouldn’t care about it. All the time, he keeps…And sometimes I just wish I had died. Whatever demon it is, it can move out of my dead body, right?” He didn’t mean it, of course. Death frightened Kankri like nothing else. But you held him closer even so because at this point in time he needed it.

“What are you worried about now?” you asked gently, and Kankri sniffled.

“He’ll tell my parents. People will find out. They’ll call me selfish like he did. I am selfish.” Each sentence sounded dull, like Kankri’s emotions had worn themselves out. You looked down at him with a sigh. Fluffy white hair brushed against your jaw when you leant down to hug him close.

Kankri let no one else be this close. Not even Porrim could hug him without asking, and Dave in all his story telling stupidity had nearly broken that trust that Vantas had for you. He told you that he had wanted to be your friend a couple of weeks after the dreadful Incident, but that he really had never had a friend other than Porrim. Never been able to make friends, and the origins of your own friendship made him uncertain sometimes. He’d ask you if you only pitied him, and you in turn told him fuck no, you’d just sort of…well, it had just happened.

You, in turn, felt closer to Kankri sometimes than you did Roxy. Once, when you had gotten drunk two weeks before the end of term, you’d told him that the two of you were fucked up in a way that made sense when you were together. He’d laughed when he had repeated it to you, and you decided that you wanted to see him smile a hell of a lot more, that he deserved to smile a hell of a lot more than he did. He was so damn vulnerable and you hated and loved the fact in equal measure. You could definitely say that since the Incident Kankri was your best friend.

Every single jab in the world hurt him. Every time, he’d make himself a target for more hits. And you wanted to just wrap him up and protect him from the world.

But you knew Kankri well enough to know how much Kankri would hate it. You hugged him that bit tighter.

“You ain’t selfish, Kankri. C’mon, we can go back. Let’s go back to the room.” You couldn’t fuss over him with marshmallows and assorted Doritos here. The best thing you can give him here is a stick, not exactly the comfort food of the century.

“I don’t want to. Karkat might be there.” He looked away from you.

You rolled your eyes. “Dude, I’m a hot weeaboo with a selection of katana in the wardrobe and I’m pissed at my younger brother for talking about the Incident. Karkat won’t get past me, and you fucking hate answering the door anyway. We can hide from our respective little brothers in a fort together.”

“I shall hold you to that. I am in the mood for…nonsense.”

You grin, helping him up and then hugging him tightly. “Let’s go be adults and make a blanket fort in the flat.”

 

You’re sat basically snuggled in the fort with Kankri, watching The Princess and the Frog at the point where the blind lady is singing her song about digging deeper or some shit when your phone goes off. Kankri’s sleepily leaning against you (he is a child in an adult body because every time he explodes into a tantrum, he gets really exhausted and sleepy when he finally relaxes, it’s honestly adorable), and you hug him closer by the shoulder as you answer.

“ ’Yello?”

“Dirk?”

Shit, it’s Rose. Kankri stiffens slightly at hearing her voice, and you hug him again. He does his strange limpet-leaning-on-your-shoulder thing, watching the movie with the same sleepy interest he always does. You wonder what’s up with him.

“Sister dearest. To what do I owe the very dubious pleasure?” You fish a Dorito out of the mixed chips bowl you’d put together for you and Kankri, and raise an eyebrow at Kankri when he bites it out of your hand.

“Have you retrieved Kankri yet from wherever he ran off to?” she asks.

You frown. How does Rose know he ran off? Oh, dear fucking God, you hope she is not involved even a fraction with the big ball of mess that is Kankri and Karkat and now apparently Dave. Although Dave’s involvement is just the ittiest bit your own damn fault.

“Yeah, I retrieved him. He is here. Why the fuck do you need to know?” Why the _fuck_ would she need to know? You’re suspicious.

“Dave’s dealing with a crying Karkat because of the fight they had in Noir Café. Dave told his roommates about the Incident, as he calls it—“

You are suddenly blindingly angry, and you try to keep your head about this, but fuck, you’re trying not to blow up at your little sister, and that is not right. “I don’t care if Karkat is crying, Rose. At this moment, I give no fucks.” Kankri is frozen in your arms, and you close your eyes, trying to keep calm. Trying to keep calm so he will keep calm, because if you aren’t calm he won’t see a reason to be and then you are both up shit creek with no goddamn paddle in sight.

You try again. “I don’t need to ask whose idea it was to drag Kankri out of his room like a pair of mad things, because Dave’s my brother as well as yours, quite obviously. I can’t even see him, Rose. Roxy can deal with his stupid big mouth. Who the hell takes ‘tell no one’ as ‘tell three different people’? Karkat brought this on himself.”

The words are like spice, angry and peppery in your mouth. Kankri is hiding in your shoulder and Rose is silent for a little while before she sighs, the phone line crackling.

“If you blame Dave, why are you growling at me?” She sounds bored, and you know that means she’s angry, but you don’t particularly fucking care at this exact moment in time, because if she’s angry, she’s being defensive.

“Because I bet you were right there when Dave said he would be doing this. Or if you just saw it, you didn’t try to intervene.”

“I’m nineteen years old, Dirk. I should not be dealing with shit I don’t have to be.”

“Then stop it happening if you can’t deal with it! Don’t pull this ‘ringing me to complain’ shit if you don’t want me to call you out on it!”

“I’m not complaining!”

“Good! And for your information, Rose, I’ve had it. I was your age when I dealt with the Incident. There was no need to whine over it.”

“ _I am not whining!”_ she hisses at you. You can’t stop now.

“If you aren’t whining, why are you growling at me?” you mimic back at her, and she actually growls in that way your mother does when she and Bro fight (it happens, now and then).

“Why are you trying to pick a fight with me, Dirk?”

“I’m not even having to try, Rose. You want me to tell Kankri that Karkat is crying because he let Karkat be a massive prick about things? You want me to tell Kankri that he should have told his family about what happened? Kankri _is a grown adult,_ Rose! You need to let people make their own decisions, okay?” You look down at Kankri, who is making grabby hands at the phone. You hand it over, and Kankri clears his throat.

“Miss Lalonde, while my attitude may have been out of line earlier, please refrain from trying to get Dirk to pass on your message. I am receiving it loud and clear. I would like to, in Karkat’s style, which from your concern over him I expect you to be very familiar with, invite you to _fuck off out of my life._ ”

Oh, crap. He is pissed. In the background, flamingos are still singing. It’s a little surreal. He hands the phone back to you, and Rose is silent again.

“Right, you know what?” she says slowly. “I’m going to go over to Dave’s, and see if I can get any sense out of him. The two of you can listen to Disney—wait, I bet you’re watching Disney, aren’t you?”

“Kankri’s pick tonight.” Hah. Kankri is actually a huge Disney nerd, and the Princess and the Frog is one of his favourites.

“Yeah, I can see how much of a _grown adult_ he is. Have fun, Dirk. Don’t expect me to try again.” She’s huffy, and you’ve probably fucked up, but it’s mostly her fault. You can accept when you have fucked up. Your more-eldritch-than-thou younger sister has always struggled. Of course, she tends to have a bit of a realisation a couple of days after, but her pride means it could be months before you get an apology.

You’re happily settled back down in no time, and just as the firefly is carried down the bayou (and no, you are not at all crying and neither is Kankri), Kankri’s phone goes off. You sigh, and answer for him.

“Hello you appear to have the wrong number—“

“WHAT THE SHIT?!” Karkat shrieks down the line, and there’s a clunk. It sounds like he dropped the phone.

“WHY ARE YOU ON KANKRI’S PHONE?” he screeches down the line, and you decide to mess with him a minute, mouthing an apology at Kankri before you do.

“Well, do you want the true version or the other version?” Psyche. You’re going to be lying to him either way, but this you suspect will probably come back to bite you on the ass. Ah, what the hell.

“Tell me the truth!”

So fucking predictable. “We had sweet emotional sex against a wall not five hot minutes ago.”

Karkat screams in horror, and Kankri looks up at you with very red cheeks, mouth open as if about to lecture you, but you just hug him close again as Karkat continues to scream. It’s petering down to words now, most of them curse words.

“STRIDER! YOUR IDIOT BROTHER – OH MY GOD, I AM ABOUT TO THROW UP. WHY THE FUCK—“

“You asked me to tell you, so I told you. You want to talk to Kankri? I mean, he’s a little…sleepy and worn out right now, but I guess he could try. What do you think, babe?”

Kankri wrinkles his nose at you. Aw, he isn’t even mad. He’s trying to hide the fact he’s giggling. You wonder if you can make this into twisted payback for Karkat, and you pass the phone to him.

“Greetings, Karkat. Have you calmed down—Dirk, stop that!” He makes a soft little bedroom noise and holy shit, you have created a monster. You stifle your laughter, because aside from hugging him you’re doing nothing. This is fantastic. Kankri listens to Karkat for a little while, and then sighs.

“It’s none of your business who I am sleeping with, Karkat. I mean, it’s not like it’s personal to you.”

He sighs after what appears to be a rant. “Karkat, please. We used protection and everything.”

Dear God. You are very grateful that you are not in his bad books. Karkat’s screaming is once again audible, and it’s really very fucking funny that Karkat cannot grasp the concept that the two of you are fucking with him.

“Karkat, if I wish to be nailed against a wall by Dirk Strider, I may do as I please.” He arches an eyebrow and hangs up, before the two of you howl with laughter, drowning out the final reprise currently going on.

“Oh, fuck, that was so not like you,” you manage after a little while, and he grins that wide smile that you rarely see, ever. It’s the one you last saw when he filled someone’s slippers with toothpaste because they had been a total shit to him in the class. He’d gotten Porrim to let him into the flat in the wee small hours of the morning, and dragged you along for his revenge. Porrim was friends with the guy’s flatmate – Mierfa or something like that – and Kankri’s sweet angelic expression had warped into pure mischief. That’s the expression that he is wearing now, and you think that you are having the same idea.

“They won’t suspect it isn’t true.” He looks up at you suddenly, looking a little worried. “I mean, I do not mean to offend you, but this would be a greater Incident than last year, and it might erase a little of the memory of it? I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Don’t bullshit me, you think it would be funny as hell. Nothing about erasing last year. It’s all about getting them back, you know.”

“Yes. You’re my best friend, Dirk. It would be frankly weird to be with you.” He says it in his matter of fact way.

You shrug. “Dude, you’re my platonic wife. Remember?”

That, surprisingly, isn’t as weird as it sounds. When you came back from the hospital after that God forsaken Incident, you were shaken up, but Kankri, although quieter than usual yet pretty much otherwise the same, just kept following you around like a five year old. Roxy had come over, and dragged you to a party, which meant Kankri followed you. You got drunk, and decided that you needed to marry someone to save your honour – according to the video Roxy took, anyway - and then proposed to Kankri with a Haribo ring, telling him your vows, which basically boiled down to ‘we’re going to be best friends forever bro’.

Thus Roxy referred to Kankri as your wife, and eventually the two of you had just run with it. Dang it, Dave had gone and upset your poor wife.

To be quite honest, Kankri puts up with bullshit from you that he would never in a million years put up with from anyone else. You sigh, and grin at him. He’s the lecturing Grace to your Will, to be quite honest.

“This is going to be damn fun, Kankri.” You look down at your phone, which is getting so many notifications that it could be used for dubstep or some shit like that. Most of them are from Dave, with a few from a strange number that from the capital letters just has to be Karkat. Kankri smiles when you show him, and the two of you share a look. Yeah, this will take some work (neither of you could ever kiss each other, it would be too weird) but you’re going to get your revenge on your younger siblings.

 

The next day, you’re woken early by the smell of pancakes. Oh, fuck yes. Fuck. Yes. This is another reason why you’re happy to call Kankri your wife (platonically, of course). He makes these pancakes stuffed with Nutella that make you just…drool. When he finally does get a partner, you’ll probably fight over him solely based on these goddamn nectar pancakes.

But the pancakes...It’s usually something he does when you’ve had a bad day, or when he has, so to have them in the morning is strange. You stumble out and there is a huge plate of them ready for you on the coffee table with little chopped strawberries as well.

Ooh, hot damn. You might just marry this boy for his pancakes.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Karkat has informed Porrim of your apparent degenerate stealing of my virtue. I don’t want you losing your genitals on an empty stomach, Dirk, it wouldn’t be nice. Although I suspect her threatening to rip of your dick might be the least of it. She’s my aunt’s daughter through and through.”

Oh, fuck.

Porrim is the flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. You kind of need to get her in on this plan, otherwise she might make use of that chainsaw she reportedly has at home. You wouldn’t put it past Mrs Maryam (who you’ve met twice, because Kanaya’s family dropped her off with Rose last Christmas) to drive some form of weapon down for Porrim to neuter you with.

You first met Porrim Maryam alongside Kankri last year, when she had stormed into your room two days after Kankri had lectured you when you were polishing the replica _nagamaki_ that Dane had brought you back from Japan for your birthday, complete with license. You’d told him to fucking well leave you alone, and somehow in the argument you’d kicked him on the shin trying to get him to back off.

You were, at that point, used to Dave, Bro, and Dane, all three of whom picked fights to get you off your lazy nerdy ass and to get you to spar, so it was a reflex. However, Kankri stormed off, and now you know him a bit better, he probably went to curl up in a bundle of self-loathing. To be rather honest, you regret a lot of the shit that you did during those first few months of knowing him. Porrim had told you in a husky tone of anger that if you ever hurt Kankri again, she would fuck you up.

She probably saw this as tantamount to hurting Kankri. God knows how she would react when he did actually decided to step into the unchartered waters of dating. Although you do actually want to know where he got that noise from yesterday from. That was the icing on the cake.

You finally check all the messages you got earlier once you finish the pancakes that really have to be flown in straight from heaven (they are so goddamn fluffy and sweet, you could happily cry).

“Woah.”

Dave  ~

DAVE: karkat just let out a screech while you were talking

DAVE: why is he screaming

DAVE: WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH KANKRI

DAVE: DO NOT ANSWER THAT

DAVE: OH MY GOD WHY

DAVE: WHAT IS WITH OUR FAMILIES AND

DAVE: oh my god i am gonna throw up

DAVE: how even

DAVE: did he and you

DAVE: oh my god

DAVE: dirk why must you hurt me like this

You roll your eyes.

ME: You can be a selfish brat sometimes.

ME: There’s no law that says anything against it.

ME: A turtle can by law be president. I can get together with Kankri Vantas. Things happen.

 

~ New Messages from: Ro-Lal ~

ROXY: im not buyin it dirky

ROXY: lemme in on whatever youre doing lol

ROXY: what are the sweet haps

ROXY: the shenanigans of sneakiness lmao

 

Roxy knows the two of you too well to buy it. Or rather, she’s orchestrated too many games of spin the bottle in which the two of you acted like there were cooties everywhere to think that the two of you would so easily shack up. Well, she is your twin sister, after all, it would be kind of weird if she didn’t know exactly what you were like. You grin widely. As long as she’s sworn to secrecy, she should keep it under wraps.

 

ME: You got us.

ME: We’re creeping them out because if they think our business is theirs then they can deal with it.

ME: Although I need to let Porrim in on this before she rips my dick off and stabs me through the heart with it.

ROXY: lol Maryam is gonna find this hilarious

ME: Hopefully. Prepare my funeral if she doesn’t, Roxy.

ROXY: of coruse dirky!

ROXY: *course lmao

ROXY: n kanny agreed to this?

ME: Ain’t anyone in the world who can make him do a thing he doesn’t want to do, Roxy.

ME: He was the one who pretty much suggested after I messed with Karkat.

ROXY: lmao can I pretend I walked in on you two in a weeks time

ME: Sure.

ME: Go nuts.

 

~New Messages from:  Unknown Number ~

??: I HATE YOU SO VERY MUCH YOU WRITHING INSUFFERABLE PRICK

??: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.

??: NEVER DID I WANT SUCH AN IMAGE IN MY HEAD.

??: IT’S PROBABLY SHOCKED MY POOR BRAIN SO MUCH THAT I WILL NOT PASS THIS YEAR.

??: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.

??: DID YOU GET YOUR IDEAS OUT OF FANFICTION WHO EVEN FUCKS AGAINST A WALL

??: WEDBUJEIEUWOOBEBFOJEVFEQBIHJFQWSADVOHSADFUHSDFH;OSDF NO FUCK FUCKING NO I DON’T WANT TO THINK OF IT.

??: SO. MUCH. HATRED.

 

That’s Karkat alright. You’re about to reply when there is an insistent knocking at the door, sharp and commanding. You and Kankri look at each other, and go still, trying not to even breathe, because you both know that knock, and neither of you want to face Porrim in the mood you can tell from the force of her knocking she is in. You hope she doesn’t damage your door at all.

“DON’T PRETEND YOU ARE NOT IN THERE, YOU CRADLE SNATCHING ANIME FUCK!” she howls from outside.

Ah, and you always wondered who taught Karkat those terrible words he spouted. You can’t hide behind the table or anything like that, sensibly, so instead you open the door with caution and turn to avoid the foot that immediately heads to your groin, as Kankri rushes forward.

“I made pancakes, Porrim, do come in, and please do not kick Dirk in the genitals.” He’s trying his best to placate her without surrendering completely, but she’s having none of it.

“Why, would it take from your own pleasure, Kanny?” Ooh, she’s practically spitting corporeal sarcasm. Hot damn. She storms in anyway, and sits on the chair by the sofa in a queenly way, glaring at you in a way that if you didn’t know that showing weakness would make her attack would have you screaming and running for your weaponry.

“No, because we aren’t together, Porrim.” He rolls his eyes and she turns to him.

“And _you—_ Wait, what?” She stops, confused, and you throw your hands up. Well, now _you_ have to tell her.

“Welp, okay, we’re just screwing with Dave and Karkat, Maryam, okay?” Oh God, she’s glaring at you again. “Look, I am not screwing Kankri, and Kankri is not screwing me. We are not sucking down each other’s mancarrots in our spare time. We are as far away as possible from each other’s crotches. No bonking or banging. Not guilty.”

“Mancarrots?—No, I would rather not know.” Kankri rubs at his eyes gently, while Porrim narrows her eyes at the both of you.

“What the hell—Wait, you’re messing around with those two? What for?”

Kankri huffs loudly. “They won’t stay out of my business, and they’re lecturing me about not telling Karkat I nearly died. Maybe I knew that he was stressed by exams and coursework and decided not to worry him. Honestly, I’m an adult now, I don’t have to tell him everything. So if he wants to know everything, he can deal with this little scheme.”

Porrim rolls her eyes. “You didn’t tell me, you complete little asshole.” She’s visibly calming down. “I should have guessed it was some crazy scheme, dear. And I had to hear from Karkat about the Incident.”

“I didn’t want to tell you,” Kankri sniffs at her, defensive. She shrugs and turns to you.

“You’re both mad. Well, count me in, boys. I’ve got a good few ideas. You remember when I decided to teach you to stop coming over to my house unexpectedly? You’ve got to give it a few moments.” She’s smiling peacefully, and you are very thankful that she no longer wants to rip your dick off.

“For instance…” She taps at her phone and holds it to her ear.

“Karkat! Thank God!” she hisses, and you freeze, reaching to hug Kankri close, who simply sighs and lets you. Is she going to rat you out or some shit? You hope not.

“Karkat, oh Jesus, I’m never coming here again.” She sounds shaken, but she winks at the two of you, and you hear Karkat’s voice clearly, grumbling. She’s put him on loudspeaker, you realise, and you grin suddenly. You know exactly what the fuck she’s up to, and you can see Kankri cottoning on by the way that big grin spreads across his face.

“What the fuck? Why?” Karkat asks sleepily. It sounds barely coherent. Good. “Where are you? It’s seven. As in the morning.”

“I decided to visit Dirk and Kankri. God knows I wish I hadn’t.” She sighs loudly, and Karkat falls silent. Kankri muffles a sudden fit of the giggles in the sleeves of his sweater, and you can feel your mouth twitching.

“Wait, okay, but why the fuck—“

“Because I didn’t ever want to see them naked on the counter!” she hisses down the phone. “Things I never wanted to see included that – oh, fuck, I think I’m going to throw up. The door was fucking _open_.”

You hear noises of distress down the phone, and you nearly lose it, you and Kankri both flopping back onto the sofa as you muffle your laughter in the cushions.

“JESUS SHITFUCKING CHRIST, ARE YOU GODDAMN SERIOUS?” Karkat howls, and Porrim sighs theatrically.

“Dead fucking serious. I think I’m going to have to go bleach my brain.” She makes a realistic retching noise and hangs up, bowing to the both of you, and you all burst into peals of laughter. Kankri’s almost crying.

“Porrim Maryam, you’re a woman after my own heart.” You sit up. “You want some pancakes?” You’d offer your own, but you’ve eaten them all.

Even though she’s done this, you aren’t even sorry. Goddamn Nutella-stuffed pancakes.

“No, I’m afraid I can’t. I’ve got a party on Saturday to run, and a slinky little black number for it that I need to fit into. Feel free to come along, it’s the Freshers Party, and according to Kanaya there’s going to be a lot of beautiful clothing if she has anything to do with it.”

The mention of Kanaya makes you think of your argument with Rose. Well, fuck. You’re going to deal with that at some point.

But at the moment you’re happy to sit here, at least until Kankri needs to go to his ten o’ clock Philosophy class. He moves off the couch as Porrim waves and strolls out of the door, and picks up the Nutella jar and the bowl of pancake batter again.

“Celebratory didn’t-get-punched-in-the-groin pancakes?” he asks, and you inwardly cheer.

“Indeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diRK NO THAT'S SUCH A BAD IDEA OMFG  
> Feel pity for Karkat and Dave. Feel such pity.


	5. Eridan ===> Fuck up/Reveal

You’re in your room when your roommates return, and you can hear someone crying softly. Your heart would go out to them, but you got separated from everyone in your group and had to deal with someone who basically asked you too many questions, eyes roving up and down you like she was laughing at you. You wanted to slap a bitch, given that you had the perfect target in front of you, but the other guy with you was someone who looked really out of it and you were a little terrified of the grin on his face. The girl kept asking questions and now knew your handle, so you’d been avoiding using it. You already had about eight messages from her.

You sighed as you lay back on your bed, before rolling over so you could use your laptop in comfort. You were already pretty homesick, and you couldn’t go and hang with all your new found friends (read: four girls who were all beautiful and classy and amazing as shit) because that would mean:

  1. either using your phone that had been linked to the messaging system and actually having to see the messages that the weird girl with the blue hair had sent you
  2. changing out of the clothes you were wearing into what you were wearing earlier rather than the very nice cardigan Rose had lent you with the octopus buttons
  3. brave the crying in the front room.



A resounding fuck no to all of that; you have learned to hate Vriska Serket in the short amount of time that you have known her, you like this cardigan, and you don’t want to be dragged into emotional bullshit. Instead, you start scrolling through one of the pet sites you frequent on the laptop, checking out the new items. Okay, this you can more deal with. Staying inside and doing jack shit. Just like at home.

You eye up a picture on your wall of Feferi in Mom’s wedding dress, about six years old. You’d whirled her around and let her paint your nails that day, because she had looked at you seriously and told you that ‘the bride is always right’. Maybe you should message her? This site does have a messaging system and you know her username.

You send her a quick message explaining that you can’t use your phone right now but you hope she’s okay. You’re tending to your pets when someone knocks on your door.

“Hey, it’th Tholluckth.”

Oh, joy. You don’t respond, and he’s clearly waking for a reply, so you wait for five minutes, and he knocks again.

“Dude, can you jutht get off your athh and come help uth? Thhit went down. I’ll open the door if you don’t.” He sounds serious, and you freeze, almost shaking, before realising that thankfully you locked the door again. Thank God. You don’t want Captain Asshole barging in here and probably reacting like….like that one guy. Or the other guy. You shiver again and wrap a blanket around yourself, trying to assure yourself that everything is fine and dandy and that you’re composed as shit and not panicking.

“Sol, w-with the fondest ‘a w-wishes, go fuck yourself. Those ain’t my monkeys nor it is my circus.”

He tries opening the door, before realising that it’s locked. You flinch when you hear him swear loudly and kick the door, and decide that he is the Lord of all Assholes. You’re totally stealing his milk. Even if you don’t need it. You gulp as you try to recover your composure, properly.

You’ve just calmed down and gone back to your game just as screaming breaks outside, horrified screaming about someone’s brother. You’ve had enough of your own brother to last a lifetime, so you tune out as much as you can. Something about Dave’s brother, for some reason, but like you said to Sol, it’s not your monkeys or your circus. You’re under no obligation to deal with the situation.

That said, when your phone rings with a call from your big sis, you do pick up, and she’s off before you can tell her to calm down.

“Listen, bubbles, ya got to go play nice with your new roomies or so kelp me I’m driving over there an’ bustin down the glubbin’ door before you can so much as say sorry.”

“Meenah – “

“And don’t whine a-boat them not pikin’ ya if you don’t at least try.”

“Meen, shut it! I’m not makin’ friends w-with the asshole! He threatened to kick dow-wn my door an’ I can’t exactly leawe my room at the moment!” You know that she will know what you mean, but you don’t exactly want to say it out loud.

“Oh. Oh, right. Okay, guppy, just sit tight. But sea-reef-ly, your friend’s brother and his friend’s brother apparently hooked up, so the friend is freaked out. That’s why they want the kelp.”

Oh.

“Okay, I’m gettin’ changed.” You start to change into jeans and one of your casual tees, checking in your mirror to make sure you didn’t leave anything of your other clothes on, and unlocking the door. “Bye, Meen.” You hang up and tuck the phone into your back pocket, stomping forward to glare at the new guy, who looks short and angry. You wait until you’re stood in front of him, ignoring the weird look Sollux is giving you. They want your help? They can have it. Hopefully, they never want it again.

“Okay, listen up. I’m sure the crying w-was somethin’ you had a good reason for, but I know-w w-why you’re screechin’, so I’m here to kindly tell you to zip your lips up, because god know-ws I know-w it ain’t polite to act like you saw-w someone take a shit on your sofa just because your brother, the breathing human with normal hormones for his age, decided to have a relationship w-which includes sex. It w-won’t make the headlines, fuckw-wad. I don’t giwe a fuck if it makes you uncomfortable that your brother is fuckin’! Try liwin’ w-with my brother, w-who is a serial one night stand fucker! Try and be happy for your brother!”

You see his mouth open to shout, but you just turn around to Dave, who you notice has a bit of a swollen cheek. You don’t even want to ask how that happened. You want to be back in your room. But they called your sister to get you to help, so God help you, but you will lay down the law. You step close to him, and you’re pleased to see him take the tiniest step back.

“An’ I’m guessin’ that it’s your brother, giwen that the tw-wo of you are snuggled up here? Grow-w up. Allow-w them their happiness! You don’t ow-wn them!”

“Fuck off!” the new guy hisses at you, and you laugh at him. Not like you’re amused, but enough to show how ridiculous you find this.

“Oh, I w-would lowe to, but this douche kicked my door because I didn’t w-want to deal w-with you pair of hypocrites, and then called my sister to make sure I came out to play nice! So you can blame him, if you don’t w-want to accept responsibility for your actions. Now-w, if you’ll excuse me, I at least have better things to do with my ewening than be an idiot, unlike you three.”

As you turn around to go back, you smile widely at Sollux, as dazzling as you can manage. “I’m _so_ glad I could help you out.” He glares back at you.

Of course, the minute you lock the door again, you’re shaking with nervousness. Oh, God. You just probably fucked up. You said things like that to their faces, and they probably hate you for it. You just practically yelled at them, and frankly you were bullshitting when you appeared at ease, because you were not, at all. Your father taught you never to show anyone your hand, and to have a poker face that won’t break if someone comes at you with a knife, or picks a fight with you. You can’t show weakness or upset when dealing with a situation that’s stressful. Never cry in front of anyone. Put a brave face on, and make sure you watch any bastard trying to break you. He’d drilled those traits into Cronus and you, and Meenah was better at it naturally than either of you. But you are weak, because the minute the door is shut the façade falls and you’re shaking like a leaf.

Picking your MP3 up, you curl under your blankets, and try not to think of anything as you listen to your music, trying to calm your heartbeat. Hopefully, they don’t absolutely loathe you. Hate should be just enough for you to deal with.

 

When you wake the next morning, your stomach is pointedly complaining about the lack of food inside of it and reminding you that you had nothing to eat yesterday evening, because you were avoiding your roommates, and you slope into the living room with your fluffy robe around you, to find the short asshole on the couch, curled up tightly. Even the way he sleeps, you muse, is angry. He’s shivering slightly, and you feel like a bit of a bitch. Okay, a lot of a bitch.

You drape the fluffy robe over him and take Sollux’s milk back to your room where your good cereal is (and your favourite cereal bowl as well). Fuck yeah, Lucky Charms. After you’ve used up what is left on your breakfast, you sneak out and place the carton in front of Sollux’s door. He can deal with it.

You yawn softly and then hope there are no activities you have to attend, but doubt it. Team-building activities are the bane of your existence, seriously. However, someone should have told you by now. You finish up your Lucky Charms and do the washing up along with your cereal bowl, wincing as bubbles cling to your fingers, and grimacing when you find the mayonnaise-and-Dorito-dust masterpiece that you suspect to be Dave’s. Lovely.

While you’re drying up, the new guy’s phone begins to ring and you prod him with a fork to wake him up. He growls but wakes up, picking it up without looking at you.

“Porr’m?” he asks sleepily, wrapping the fluffy robe around him. He yawns, and looks almost like a little kid, and you smile despite yourself. He frowns for a minute.

“Fucking hell, it’s too early for a call…” he mutters, and then you see him frown further. “What the fuck? Why?” He glances at the clock on the wall. “Where are you? It’s seven. As in the morning.” He struggles upright, blinking, still snuggling into the fluffy robe. You wonder who this ‘Porr’m’ is before remembering the girl from yesterday, Kanaya’s sister. She was definitely called Porrim, but this guy was the same age as you. You wondered how they knew each other, but turned back to putting away the plates and glasses.

“Wait, okay, but why the fuck-“ He screeched suddenly, looking well and truly horrified, and you nearly drop the cup you are holding, thanking God you have good reflexes from a lifetime of expensive tutoring in sports you hated. You rush over with the intention of bitching him out because like he said it’s _seven in the fucking morning._

“JESUS SHITFUCKING CHRIST, ARE YOU GODDAMN SERIOUS?” he howls into his phone, and Porrim says something you can’t quite make out.

He looks fucking haunted, and you try to remember the first time you walked in on Cronus drunkenly snogging the living daylights out of someone. The horror of it came from the fact that it was Cronus, but you can relate, you guess. You cough and he whirls around to you, glaring.

“If you’re going to fucking tell me to shut up, I will yank your prissy straight white teeth out of your mouth and shove them up your ass.”

Huh. You grin at him.

“An’ I’ll shoot you w-with a harpoon gun in the leg so you hawe to craw-wl aw-way from my irate father. I’m Eridan. Eridan Ampora. I don’t think w-we properly introduced ourselwes.” You bow ever so slightly.

He blinks and then looks suspicious. “I’m Karkat. You’re surprisingly less bitchy then yesterday.”

“That w-was more to do w-with being told to deal w-with stuff I didn’t w-want to and that prick kicking my door.” And also with the fact that you’re scared stiff of your roommates actually getting to know you, but you can leave that baggage for later. You switch the kettle on. “I managed to get some proper coffee. It’s in my room. You w-want some or instant?”

“Fuck yes, I want your rich people coffee. Go fetch, suddenly not-bitchy Ampora.” He points imperiously.

You grin at him and fetch him enough for a good cup and also some of the premium cookies you managed to sneak in without Cronus consuming them like the dick he is. The kettle boils while you wait in silence, and Karkat winces as he gulps the hot coffee. Probably, you muse, he burnt his mouth, but you think you might actually be making friends here with your expensive coffee. Score.

“Sorry. Apparently my cousin walked in on….well, my brother and Strider’s brother fucking on the counter. And decided to ruin my morning by sharing the image.” He rubs his eyes and then looks at the fluffy robe. “Is this…”

“Mine.” You shrug. “You were shivering.”

He grins at you. “So you aren’t such of a mean guy as I thought. Well, fuck talking about the fornication. Porrim really didn’t need to share that with me.” He sips again. Winces.

Something goes _ding_ inside your head.

“Wait, is Kanaya your cousin too?” you ask with interest, and he blinks at you for a minute.

“Yeah, yeah. She is. Hey, are you friends or something bullshit like that?”

You grin proudly. “Yes, actually.” Kanaya _is_ your friend, as are Rose, Nepeta, Aradia, and tentatively maybe Karkat himself. He raises his eyebrows and gives you this look like he’s seeing right through you.

“Why are you like that around them?”

You sputter and look down, but sit next to him. “Like w-what, exactly?”

“Pushing them away. Dave’s noticed it too. You push him and Sollux and Jake away.” Karkat narrows his eyes at you a minute. “And other people. My friend Gamzee was talking about it. He says you and this bitch named Vriska were in his group yesterday.”

The guy with the terrifying smile. You wince, but still don’t look at him.

“Quiet, hm? But you clearly don’t have a gender preference – or much of one. With friends, I mean. Fuck, I need more coffee to be coherent, give me a minute.” He sips again. “But you’re completely terrified, aren’t you? There’s something that’s scaring you.”

“Experience.” Wow, your voice is bitter. You didn’t realise you were going to sound like that. You look at him. “My experience is that guys don’t like me w-when they get to know-w me. And please, don’t treat this as a mystery. It’s something I don’t w-want you finding out.”

“Huh.” Karkat sips. “And you’re kind of naturally a prick too.”

You shrug. Yeah, you won’t deny it. You kind of completely are.

“Why don’t you want friends?” he asks.

“I do. I just don’t do people.” You’ve got too much at stake. “My dad and mom aren’t exactly people w-who mix w-well with other people, so I don’t exactly hawe a role model for being all flow-wery and happy and open. Call it Ampora family values. I don’t make friends easily and especially not friends with guys.”

And then everything goes as your father would say ‘arse over tit’, because it’s like a puzzle piece starts to move into place or a penny starts to drop.

“Ampora…Ampora…I’ve heard your name before, actually. Pfft, kind of like…”

Oh God. Please, let Karkat be as dumb/discreet as everyone else here. You pray to uncaring gods with an expression of complete panic and he suddenly smacks his head with a noise like a growl.

“Oh my god. Fish In The Sea. The Ampora-Peixes holdings, I fucking researched it when I was, what, ten? Are you serious? Why are you here? Am I secretly living in an anime? Why is the…”

“I’m not the heir. Meenah is.” You manage to say that before clamping a hand across his mouth. “Don’t tell. Don’t you dare tell. It took ewerything I had in my persuasion and paying Meenah to get here, you—“

He bites you, and you screech quietly and remove your hand, cradling it to your chest.

“You’re an heir of it, though, aren’t you? One of the smaller businesses. Your family bought up so much it’s called the Sea Empire! Oh my god!” He’s staring at you, and you look away, embarrassed and frankly mortified.

“I may or may not inherit a company if I choose, but like I would be doing the subjects I’m doing if I planned to inherit!” you hiss at him eventually, and he stares at you.

“You’re seriously one of that family?” he asks, eventually, and you groan and roll your eyes.

Yes, your family runs an empire of businesses. That’s kind of the reason your little hobby is bad for you, because God help you if the paparazzi get hold of that little nugget. It’s bad for the whole family, and someday Feferi will be running part of the proceedings, and you can’t ruin things for your siblings or your parents. You take a deep breath.

“Yes, I am. But I’m just the prick w-with the rich people coffee. You don’t w-want anything to do w-with me beyond that, okay?” You stand and walk to your room, because you need to call Meenah ad figure out what to do. The sensible course would be get your father to come and talk to Karkat, but you like the guy and your father carries you around by the scruff of your neck like a giant scarred mother cat, and you’re his son. So that rules that out.

Cronus could come talk to him, but Cronus has this embarrassing habit of hitting on everything with a pulse, and you’re pretty sure Karkat would castrate him, and even if he is a giant douche, he’s your brother.

Meenah could come talk to them, but then she brags about the money or tries to bring you into the spotlight. However, in the light of the other options being Cronus or your father, she’s the lesser of three evils.

Or you could just not tell her. Your thumb hovers above ‘call’, and then you lock your phone. You instead call Rose, who picks up immediately.

“Yes?”

“Kanaya’s cousin found out I’m one of _those_ Amporas.” Her voice relaxes you, because you’re oh so sure she has your back.

“Oh, I see. I’ll get Kanaya to have a word, unless…you want to go talk to him?”

“No, I don’t. I w-want to be his friend, but seriously, I don’t w-want to deal w-with this shit at this time and I’m sorry but can Kanaya just come fetch her cousin?” You’re shaking, again.

“Eridan…” She sighs. “Can you deal with him for a little longer?”

You check the time on your little seahorse clock and guilt sweeps over you. Shit, it’s too early to be demanding shit like that of your friends, and you promised yourself that if you made friends you wouldn’t be like this. Hell, you need your own coffee.

“Sorry, shit, sorry, I’ll talk to him, newer mind. Sorry, Rose. Go back to sleep.” You ring off, steel yourself and step outside, only to be hit with a carton around the head.

“ARE YOU FUCKING THERIOUTH?” Sollux screeches at you, and wow, you so appreciate how early it is in the morning now. Karkat pulls your robe around him and then turns his gaze back to the television, and you shrug.

“No, I’m Eridan.”

You regret your decision to go forth and be a prick (inside you’re shaking, you’re fucking terrified of talking with the guy who might be a prick but whoops, he is taller than you) because Sollux grabs you by the shirt.

“You’re a fucking prick! On purpothe! You drank my damn milk?!”

You shrug, trying not to be bothered, because bursting into tears is not what a man does. It’s not what’s right, and—You begin to breath in, sharply, and you’re becoming less aware of everything around you.

“What the hell ith your deal?”

“You called my sister,” you manage calmly, except you’re not calm, because he has a grip on you and you don’t like guys having a grip on you like this, angry, puffed up, although you’re only vaguely aware of it, despite trying to calm down, because memories and the now are beginning to overlap.

“You—“

Someone shouts.

You’re not aware of it anymore.

 

When you come around, Sollux is not there, gripping at your shirt (like that one guy), but Jake is there, smiling worriedly at you.

“Hello, chap.” He sits you up, and you fight not to flinch away from him. “Nice to have you back with us.”

You look around you, and hunch up.

“I was wondering if you might tell me what happened to make you act like that.”

What do you say? That the last time someone gripped you like that it was a lot stronger? That you couldn’t speak because your throat got bruised? Do you say the whole truth?

And act like what, you want to ask, but you already know.

“Someone w-wasn’t as nice, last time they grabbed my throat,” you opt for. You hear someone move behind you and stiffen, but it’s only Karkat, coming to sit by you.

“You did drink his milk.” He looks at you with actual concern, and you have the odd urge to laugh. “Son of a fucking three legged rabid sloth, you scared us. You just suddenly slid down the door and started lashing out, like you were fighting…”

“Someone w-who w-wasn’t there?” You shrug. “Experience. Did I at least kick Sollux?”

Karkat rolls his eyes, and you hear a mutter from the corner. Oh, shit, he’s still in the room. You turn back to Karkat.

“Don’t you need therapy?” he asks with a look at you, and you look him direct in the eyes.

“If only I could afford it, I might.” You shrug, and Jake nods, whereas Karkat opens his mouth like he’s about to cuss you out, but you stand up.

“I’m going to go get changed. Thanks for the help, or w-whatewer, but I’m in the same clothes I w-was in yesterday, and they ain’t exactly fresh.” You notice Dave looking right at you, but you don’t want to spend more time on discussing how fucked up you have revealed yourself to be. You change quickly into jeans and another tee, and grab your jacket, wallet, and phone, heading out of the door just as quickly.

You don’t have anywhere else to go, but you sure as hell don’t want to stay there.

Therapy was out of the question. There was no therapist you could trust with the secrets of your family or your own secrets. Money talked more than trust did, and people who did things for money would do other things. You more than anyone understood the power of money and the power of silence. You hadn’t even told your parents that you’d been beat up by a guy over what he’d found you wearing. You’d just fed some lie about a fight for a bet that you’d won. Feferi was the only one who properly knew what had gone down that night, why you started hating the touch of other guys, why you started to hate the hugs that Cronus gave you, why you scrabbled away from them, why you became distant. Cronus, you knew, wouldn’t do anything like that, so it just annoyed you, but you didn’t want it to end up like that again.

Ever.


	6. Sollux===> He Drank Your Damn Milk

As you predicted, the evening is miserable. About ten minutes into the pity party, you are just getting to the point of Karkat calming down when some idiotic part of your brain has the idea of getting Eridan to help, because Jake was not there to help you and Dave couldn’t calm Karkat down more than he already had.

You go up to his door, and listen, hearing the clacking of a laptop from within, knock, and then realise he has no idea who it is at the door.

“Hey, it’th Tholluckth.”

Okay, no, his silence seemed to be intentional. You know he is in there, because there was that clacking, slower and almost sneaky, like you couldn’t fucking hear him through the thin and cheap door. You roll your eyes, hearing Karkat talk in a snuffly voice to Dave about how Kankri doesn’t care for anyone but himself and suddenly have the desperation not to be alone. Misery doesn’t just love company, you think, but misery needs company not to end up beating its own head in with its laptop.

You knock again, desperate not to see the finger Dave beckons you with discreetly. “Dude, can you jutht get off your athh and come help uth? Thhit went down. I’ll open the door if you don’t.”

You hear him shuffle and even though it’s absolutely stupid of you, you suddenly hope that he’s going to come out and calm down this situation. And then Reality delivers you a swift kick to the metaphorical balls.

“Sol, w-with the fondest ‘a w-wishes, go fuck yourself. Those ain’t my monkeys nor it is my circus.” His voice is slightly muffled, and you go for the handle, before you remember that (unsurprisingly) these things have fucking locks. You swear and kick at the door, and then internally curse yourself. Yes, dumbass, like he’ll want to deal with you after that.

You go back to the shared area, where you get given the look of ‘you’re an asshole’ by Dave, who you left all on his own with a previously-hysterical , and you shift uncomfortably and desperately try not to meet his eyes before trying to give some of your own (crappy, so crappy) advice.

“Why don’t you try calling him?” you suggest, and Karkat looks like that might be a good idea, and Dave smiles oh so slightly. Hah, you don’t need Eridan. You can give advice and help all on your own! Karkat dials the number and waits, and you settle down, only to knock over your unopened can of Monster when he screeches something you think might have been ‘what the shit’.

“WHY ARE YOU ON KANKRI’S PHONE?” He seems pissed, and you move out of arm-flailing range, deeply regretting Past Sollux thinking that his advice was anything than a truly abysmal thing borne of ego and fuck-uppery.

The unknown person on the end of the line says something, and Karkat almost growls, teeth bared slightly. You see Dave tense.

“Tell me the truth!” Karkat hisses, and then nearly flings the phone away as he begins to scream in horror, like he’s being murdered or stabbed or some shit that’s causing him to shriek like that, cursing enough that even your grandmother might be too young to hear any of this. You hear something about someone’s genitals being fed into a mass of rotating cleavers and then just block your ears from another string of unfortunately creative curses.

You’re intrigued, and yet you have this feeling that whatever the hell just went down you really don’t want to know.

He starts spitting Dave’s last name in the middle of his cursing, and then finally manages to calm down enough to speak somewhat coherently.

“STRIDER! YOUR IDIOT BROTHER – OH MY GOD, I AM ABOUT TO THROW UP. WHY THE FUCK—“ He retches ever so slightly and you pat his shoulder.

“Deep breathth, KK.”

If looks could kill, you would die an agony of death. He turns his attention back to the phone, and the call that he miraculously has somehow not ended, and his face contorts just that bit more as the other person talks, before there’s a pause, and more talking.

“No, I am not fucking calm, Kankri! Are you just pulling shit like this now to scar me for life? I hope you plan on making a lot of money because my therapy will be billed directly to you, you monstrously horrifying piece of writhing shame!” he hisses, and then pauses.

“Like it or not, you’re my brother! It is my business if you decide to fuck my friend’s brother! That’s gross! What the hell is up with you?! What the hell is up with him? Against a wall? Is this a fanfiction written by a girl with limited imagination? You might get man-pregnant or something!”

He shudders and ups the volume again. You hope nobody complains about this, but that is even more of a vague hope than the Tooth Fairy helping you make your bed.

“OH MY GOD, STOP, NO, PLEASE, JUST—NO!”

Dave, you note, has gone an interesting yellowish colour, like he might throw up, and is breathing rather deeply. When you edge closer, you can see that his eyes are wide like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Karkat then drops the phone after a short bout of shouting.

“That streak of piss hung up on me! The asshole!” He throws the phone into the sofa cushion and then looks in deep, true, horror at Dave. “Dirk and Kankri fucked. Against a wall. Dirk. And Kankri.” He sinks his head into his hands and then Dave awkwardly pats his shoulder, but Karkat doesn’t seem to notice, while your brain tries to process what Karkat’s just said.

Oh, hell no. You will be dragging Eridan out kicking and screaming if you have to, but you do not want to deal with that shit alone. You think of Dirk, and then Kankri, and a small piece of your brain offers that they do actually make a cute couple.

You tell that part to shut up as you use your final resort to getting Eridan to come partake in a big slice of misery, sloping into a corner to make the call. Sheldon, your mother is about to know what you did to Penny’s laundry.

 

 

Meenah answers immediately. “Who’s this?” She sounds annoyed, and you breathe for a moment before answering.

“Tholluckth. Captor.”

“Uh…Oh, right, Eribubble’s shipmate! What did he do?” She’s direct, and you can hear something like paper rustling in the background and a girl’s voice. “Ranee, shush a minnow, would ya? Go on, stingray. Tell me all aboat it.”

You ignore the fish puns.

“Okay, so Dave’th friend’th brother didn’t tell hith brother that he nearly died, and then we found out that Dirk and KK’th brother are thcrewing, tho he’th all upthet, but Eridan won’t come help, and I need thomeone to come help me or I am going to die of the mithery and dark feelth. Theriouthly, I need him to help me, but he locked himthelf in hith room.”

She laughs. “I got it, guppy. Sit your bass down, and he’ll be out soon, okay?” She hangs up and you tuck away your phone, hoping that Karkat and Dave didn’t hear that. They’re too busy talking, you hope, and it seems like this time, your hope is justified.

When Eridan appears, you suddenly feel very much like you’re going to die and go to a special level of hell for sin. Deep, deep sin. Worse than the little circle for people who talk at the theatre. Thou Shalt Not, Sollux Captor, Check Out Eridan’s Ass In Those Tight Jeans (Which Do Wonderful Things For Him). And, oh God, that weird rollercoaster sinking feeling is back, and you hate him so very, very much, because this idiot looks like a model in every piece of clothing he wears and you’re pretty sure from the way he’s straightened up that he damn well knows it, the arrogant prick.

He ignores you, and sweeps past to glare daggers at Karkat, but you’re too late to realise that he’s probably not going to do anything other than harm until he opens his mouth.

“Okay, listen up. I’m sure the crying w-was somethin’ you had a good reason for, but I know-w w-why you’re screechin’, so I’m here to kindly tell you to zip your lips up, because god know-ws I know-w it ain’t polite to act like you saw-w someone take a shit on your sofa just because your brother, the breathing human with normal hormones for his age, decided to have a relationship w-which includes sex. It w-won’t make the headlines, fuckw-wad. I don’t giwe a fuck if it makes you uncomfortable that your brother is fuckin’! Try liwin’ w-with my brother, w-who is a serial one night stand fucker! Try and be happy for your brother!” He’s breathing somewhat heavily after that little speech, and Karkat looks like he’s about to smack the shit out of him, but Eridan’s already turning around to sneer at Dave like he has reason to grab the moral high ground.

“An’ I’m guessin’ that it’s your brother, giwen that the tw-wo of you are snuggled up here? Grow-w up. Allow-w them their happiness! You don’t ow-wn them!”

Huh. They are kind of snuggled up, now you look, but Jesus, if he is not being the biggest asshole right now. You fight for enough control of yourself to glare at him, but he doesn’t really notice.

“Fuck off!” Karkat hisses, and he laughs in a beautifully bitter way.

“Oh, I w-would lowe to, but this douche,” -he gestures at you, in case anyone was in confusion about who the hell he might mean- “Kicked my door because I didn’t w-want to deal w-with you pair of hypocrites, and then called my sister to make sure I came out to play nice! So you can blame him, if you don’t w-want to accept responsibility for your actions. Now-w, if you’ll excuse me, I at least have better things to do with my ewening than be an idiot, unlike you three.”

And then he turns to you on his way, smiling in this lovely way that would make you flush bright red if you couldn’t guess the lack of sincerity in it.

“I’m _so_ glad I could help you out.”

You glare at him, and feel your cheeks burn, but it looks like he’s beyond noticing, because he goes back inside his room and slams the door shut, at which point Karkat turns to you. Oh, thank you, Eridan. Turning that rage on you instead of other people. You wish you could punch him, kind of. In a not really way.

“Oh, wow, don’t you just have some fantastic ideas, Captor?” Sarcasm drips dangerously from his words, and you suddenly realise that you are in the danger zone. You cough.

“Hey, I thought he would be helpful. Don’t blame me becauthe he’th an athhhole.” You step back, and Karkat growls to himself.

“I can’t see how Nepeta is friends with that dick.” He throws up his hands. “I can’t see why anyone would be friends with that dick!”

Dave shrugs. “I dunno, I think I see how Rose is friends with him. But I bet you he’s more scared of you than you are of him.” He’d grin, you think, if he weren’t so damn….stoic. Maybe he’s just in shock from the whole ‘our brothers are doing the nasty’ reveal.

“Strider, would it kill you to shut the livid fuck up?” Karkat hisses, and you feel that odd tension between them again. Dave’s looking at Karkat, you think, behind those shades of his, and Karkat’s pointedly _not_ looking at Dave, and you clear your throat.

“Yeah, RL ith hith cup of tea,” you mutter, not too loudly.

They jump, and Dave shakes his head a little, like he’s just woken up or something. Honestly, with those shades, you wouldn’t know if he was asleep. But hey, fuck you for interrupting their little moment or whatever, right?

“No, that’s not what I meant. Rose used to be like that when we were younger, see. If we tried to goad her into joining us in our games, she’d just blow up at us and then retreat back to her corner of books. She even used to make forts of books with a big sign saying ‘no family allowed’. Once, ‘Zanne and Ronnie threw her a party as a surprise, and Rose nearly stabbed the clown with a pair of knitting needles. That was pretty funny.” He’s back to talking in that deadpan way.

You latch onto the change of subject in relief. “I dunno, I think I would thtab a clown given half the chance. I mean, they creep me out tho much.”

“I’m not surprised either. I mean, I’m okay with clowns, but…” Karkat sounds grudging, but carries on. Maybe he wants to forget the whole ‘Dirk and Kankri’ thing. “Rose always strikes me as someone who could blatantly stab you in the stomach and knit with your guts.”

All three of you contemplate how uncomfortable that would be, before your messenger goes off, and you sit down to check it, Dave and Karkat still lost to the silent horrified contemplation of Rose knitting with their intestines.

-New messages in KRABBY IS AWESOME FUCK YOU from: arsenicCatnip !-

AC: :00 MOG MOG MOG MOG KANKRI ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND?!

AC: X33 i am not even mad but mog mog mog this is an unexpected twist!

AC: :00 AND IT’S DAVE’S BROTHER!! SHOCK TWIST TO THE MAX!

AC: :?? but does that mean i have to revise my other vantas ships?

TA: woah np calm the fuck down

AC: X33 heehee!

AC: :33 no but seriously do i need to erase one certain ship furever? it has so much purrtential that i really kind of don’t want to but at the same time it’s a bit too close to home now

TA: 2hiip whatever iit’2 not like ii can 2top you when ii have my hand2 full over thii2 end

TA: DV and KK are both lo2iing their 2hiit over the whole ‘our brother2 are banging’ thing

AC: X33 THEY DID IT ALREADY?

AC: :33 gtg i got fanfiction to write heehee! mew is going to be so so so hyped to hear this!

-arsenicCatnip [AC] is offline!-

TA: …

- twinArmegeddons [TA]  cleaned the chat!-

 

Yeah, like you’re going to let Karkat see that whole thing about fanfiction. You’re all for people writing about fictional people, that’s all fine and dandy, but real people? Ick. You really don’t want to ever, ever see that fanfiction, and you try to put it from your mind, given that if not you might be a little sick. But then, on the other hand (because you never can look at something without two opinions, can you?) it’s up to Nepeta what she likes and wants to write. Even if it is about Dirk and Kankri.

Come to think about it, you didn’t leave Eridan a choice. Probably why he was so pissed with you. You think you might need to forgive him slightly. Only slightly, but you’re sure you’ll talk to him tomorrow.

 

All feelings of forgiveness disappear the second that you wake up the next morning and trip over your own milk carton. Your own explicitly empty milk carton, forlornly sitting outside your own damn door, and you know exactly who would pull such a fucking stunt and you flip your shit then and there, picking it up and rage making your hand tremble as you storm up to his door just as he comes out of the room, looking pretty downcast, and you lift your hand up and whack him over the head with the empty carton of milk, because you can’t have your fucking coffee now and this fucker right here is a complete and utter prick.

“ARE YOU FUCKING THERIOUTH?” you yell at him and he narrows his eyes slightly.

“No, I’m Eridan.”

Your rage goes up another notch and you find yourself grabbing him by the shirt, bringing him close and seriously considering punching him in the nose. Day three of having this asshole as your flatmate and you’re pretty sure that you might kill him before the week is out. You’re surprised again by the fact that you’re taller than him, but your anger’s pushing past that as soon as the thought pops into your head.

“You’re a fucking prick! On purpothe! You drank my damn milk?!”

All the asshole does is shrug, and you’re unable to stop now.

“What the hell ith your deal?” you ask him, grip tightening on his shirt.

He meets your eyes just barely, like to him you aren’t even there, and that makes you even madder, and then he just looks down again.

“You called my sister.”

That’s why the asshole drank your milk?! You draw breath, all manner of insults about to burst from your lips, but you only get as far as “You,” before Jake’s there (when did he get back?), yelling at you to get back and nearly seizing you as Eridan suddenly drops, taking you with him as he begins to struggle like a drunk, eyes rolling back as his hands scratch his arms and then swinging at you, too quick to avoid. You swear as you fall back, clutching your eye as it swells.

But Jake’s in front of you before you can retaliate, looking grim as death before you see his muscles strain as he pins Eridan’s muscles, and you hear Eridan make this scared little keening noise before he goes limp and quiet, and shit, he’s passed out.

“Mate, next time you want a bout of fisticuffs, ask me, not Mr Ampora.” Jake lifts Eridan with ease and carries him to the sofa, rubbing his wrists and sitting in front of him. You throw your hands in the air, eye pulsing with pain.

“He drank my milk!” you protest.

Karkat’s there, immediately, and he’s the one grabbing your shirt to tug you down to his level.

“Listen to me, you lanky piece of shit. Have you never seen a panic attack before? I was going to come split you up but Jake got there before me. If someone starts panicking, you don’t get violent with them!”

A panic attack?

Your mind goes immediately to Mituna when he rocks back and forth and fuck, you should have recognised it, but like always, you’re too caught up to have recognised anything other than the fact that you were angry. You feel immensely guilty as Eridan twitches and Jake continues talking lowly to him, rubbing at his wrists still, and you feel all the more angry at the fucker for that. Angry and guilty is not a good combination, you know, but you can’t calm yourself down, because you’re too angry that the asshole used your milk and he’s being cosseted for it.

“He drank my milk…” you repeat, and Karkat facepalms.

“Fine. Fucking fine. When he comes out of the unconscious state you got him into, I’ll definitely make sure the first thing he hears is that he drank your milk and that he should be sorry, and then we’ll tell you it’s all fine and dandy that you got him by the shirt and held him against his own door!” He glares at you and then looks at your eye. “But first, in all seriousness, grab some frozen peas from the fridge. That looks fucking awful. We’ve got an online activity to do today, but aside from that nothing really aside from a party. You can skip that horrible shit if you want. Looks like he gave you a good shiner.”

Oh, fantastic. You grumble, and then Karkat sighs, fetches the peas, and whacks them against your eye as you whimper, and you just know he’s smirking.

“Feeling better?” he asks, and you wish you could punch him. But hey, first rule of new friendships, don’t punch your friends.

Unless, you know, you fight together or something.

Karkat goes to stand behind Eridan and Jake, and you sulk in the corner with your frozen peas clutched to your eye, as Dave walks out and stares at the picture before him, sunglasses missing, and yes, he’s in his boxers again. Karkat points to the fridge and Dave zombie-shuffles over there, downing what must be about half of the apple juice straight from the carton before staring again.

“Holy crap, what happened here?” He looks at Eridan and then at you and then at the milk carton, which you’d all kind of forgotten, and then rolls his eyes.

“Okay, never mind. Don’t want to know…Hey, did I manage pants today?”

Karkat throws a cushion at him, and he grins wide.

“Message received loud and clear, Captain Kirk. Pants will be applied in about an hour, unless it ruffles your delicate sensibilities.”

Karkat flips him off, and you are really fucking tempted to do the same thing. Today’s boxers would appear to be patterned with the large yellow chicken from Sesame Street, and you don’t exactly relish the sight, but then, you only have to look at it from one eye.

“Hello, chap. Nice to have you back with us.” You look over and Jake is sitting Eridan up, and for a moment Eridan looks scared as fuck, before it’s like ice slides into his eyes and the arrogance sets back in or something. Or the walls go up.

Jake tries again. “I was wondering if you might tell me what happened to make you act like that.”

This time Eridan actually looks up at him and then speaks after a little time. You’re all looking at him, whether he knows it or not.

“Someone w-wasn’t as nice, last time they grabbed my throat.”

Oh, crap, and now Karkat’s glaring at you as he sits down next to Eridan. Yeah, you’re going to a special level of hell alright. The guilt is kind of overcoming your anger right now, and you retreat further away from the metaphorical daggers he’s shooting you.

“You did drink his milk,” he says to Eridan, who seems to be almost relaxing now. “Son of a fucking three legged rabid sloth, you scared us. You just suddenly slid down the door and started lashing out, like you were fighting…”

Eridan interrupts him. “Someone w-who w-wasn’t there?” He shrugs. “Experience. Did I at least kick Sollux?”

Oh, wow. “Athhhole,” you mutter to yourself. Oh, poor Eridan. Yeah, right. His eyes go wide, and you realise he didn’t know you were still in the room. Ha. Yes, you are still here, even if someone’s being as much of a fucking prick as they can muster, thank you _oh_ so very much.

Karkat’s turning to Eridan again. “Don’t you need therapy?” he asks, and Eridan looks right at him.

“If only I could afford it, I might.” Shrugging, again. Can the asshole do nothing but move his shoulders up and down?

There’s a look on Karkat’s face you can’t quite decipher when he says that, but before anyone can say anything more, Eridan’s standing up and walking away slowly, swaying a little.

“I’m going to go get changed. Thanks for the help, or w-whatewer, but I’m in the same clothes I w-was in yesterday, and they ain’t exactly fresh.”

Too much information, you think, as his door slams shut. You step out of your corner and Karkat looks like he’s about to say something, but Jake shakes his head.

“Poor chap. Bottling up things isn’t good for anyone.” He sits where Eridan was, and then Eridan storms out in different clothes, walking away from you all and slamming the front door.

 _“Wow._ ” Dave rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m going to go get pants and then I’m going to Noir to get pancakes. Hopefully shit doesn’t hit the fan again while I’m gone.”

Karkat glares at him a little but then stands up. “I’m coming with you, Strider.”

“Ooh, Mr Vantas, ooh- no, wait, never mind, no innuendos.” He waves a hand. “Don’t want to think about…”

The other cushion on the sofa is thrown at him, but he dodges it again. You sit down next to Karkat, and your eye throbs, before you decide that eye or no eye, pancakes sounds like awesomeness, and after the awful morning you’re having so far, it could definitely be improved with pancakes. Everything is improved by pancakes.

“Am I okay to tag along?”

They look at each other, and then you, and then Karkat nods, and Dave goes to fetch his pants and hide the bird boxers.

 

No matter how crappy a morning is, you discover, there is nothing that the pancakes at the Noir Café drizzled with honey can’t solve, especially when flanked by coffee strong enough to beat The Rock. You gladly fork over money to the man behind the counter (who kind of looks like a Munchkin extra in his Goth phase) and gargle with happiness when he puts an extra little jug of honey on the tray.

Pancakes. Nom.

You don’t pay much attention when you’re eating, which is how you find yourself being rudely drawled at by a girl with blue hair.

“Excuuuuuuuuse me! You’re Eridan Ampora’s roommate, riiiiiiiight?” She’s legitimately fluttering her eyelashes as if to sugar coat how rude she’s being, and you roll your eyes, and then get reminded why you shouldn’t do that. Ow.

“So am I. What’s the deal?” Dave leans across and she rolls her eyes.

“The deeeeeeeeal is that the asshole neeeeeeeeds to check his messages! It’s not right to keep a lady waiting, right?” She flutters her eyelashes. “I really need to get hold of him, see?”

Oh, fucking fantastic. Dave lowers his glasses to look at her.

“Look, lady, we’re not his secretaries. But we _are_ eating breakfast, so take yourself somewhere else and message him again or something.”

She looks mad when he says that, and grabs up a knife, pointing it at him.

“Listen, mister, if I want to get a hold of him, I will get a hold of him. I don’t care if he’s told you not to let me, okay?”

She drops the knife, which everyone seems to have turned to except the guy actually _running_ the place, and then sashays off like she just came over to ask the time.

“Well, lucky Eridan. He’s got a stalker already.” Dave laughs softly. “Why would anyone be that fixated on him, seriously?”

Karkat nibbles at his own lip, looking worried, but goes back to his pancakes. You clear your throat.

“Dave, you’re kind of calm for thomeone who jutht got a knife levelled at hith throat.”

“Eh, it was blunt, and I’ve duelled against Dirk with swords before. She’s just a big fish from a little pond, you know? It’s obvious. What’s a girl like that going to be able to do here?”

Famous last words, you think. The girl’s gaze was almost calculating, like she was testing your reactions. Maybe she really was mad at Dave, but there was something else there. Like she was angry, but also like she’d got exactly what she wanted from you.


End file.
